Monday, December 19, 2011

curling back in....

'you gonna sleep okay?' he asked.
'oh yeah. not a problem.' i answered.

hours later of tossing and turning and i think 'my gosh, that guy
knows me....'
i wish he were here right now.

processing everything there was to process, i lay awake.
feeling a mixture of things that just aren't any fun to feel, i think thru
it all.

i finally get up for a snack and open my laptop.

and there, in my email, is the most incredible note from josh.

besides a note filled with such love and support, there was a thought
i hadn't ever had before. a way of looking at some of the stuff i'm
dealing understanding of another reason for my struggle...
an acknowledgement of the loneliness that i can feel.

how can it be that a simple acknowledgement, a SEEING of
what i'm experiencing, and a reaching out in love can take such a ball
of mixed up, tangled up mess and just take the edge right on off?

whatever the self doubt, sadness, frustration, and sorrow were doing to
me tonite, it just softened. the love that immediately surrounds me is
nothing to be ignored. josh mentioned 'mirrors' in his note. about seeing
the glow reflected back to me. and my gosh, he just shot back such a glow
it lit up my whole heart.

and as i sat here typing this at three in the morning, noah walked in.
saw me typing this from down the hall and came to check on me.
offering to hang out, watch a movie and just be with me he said 'you've done
it for me plenty of times.'

i shooed him back to bed, but the tears are now streaming down my face.
such mirrors of love in the people closest to my heart.

as i curl back under the covers - including this new totally soft warm blanket that
bob just gave me - i'm gonna feel that love from these guys and i'm gonna put
the tangled mess of a ball up.

what matters is all around me.
and my sons just reminded me......

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