bringing me back....

so okay, it's not all about my inner seven year old (see post below)
or......the thought strikes me just this moment as i type, 'maybe it is.'

i ended up facing a big ol' tough demon iniside myself last nite.
i was thinking just now as i type - maybe everything comes from my past...
the good and the bad.......
but nah, not everything.
just a whole lot.

so i'll rephrase that  - 'a whole lot is about my inner seven year old,
and my inner 13 year old, and yes, even and very much so, my
inner 40 year old.'

quite possibly my deepest and biggest button got hit recently.
it's a process that i don't recognize right away, and also, maybe
it's a process that isn't really all that 'clean' where you can just
see it 'bam' right there.

whatever, the deal......i did manage to see it after a bit.

and i gotta say, the clarity in which i started to see it was exciting
even tho the feeling was lousy.

i wanted to be in a certain place in my heart.
and not only was i not there....
i didn't feel like i was even inside myself.
i felt like i had 'left' -
and i was watching myself want to be somewhere, knowing i wasn't,
figuring out why i wasn't, but with no way to get back.

i literally felt 'beside myself' -
counseling friends have told me that when we get hit hard, we can do
a slight form of 'dissociating' where we actually kinda 'leave' and we
actually do stand beside ourselves in a certain sense.

that happens to me.
i can feel that happen sometimes.

and, yeah, i think i was there, and i was watching.

and i could figure the whole thing out -
and i could feel the demon right there.
'this is my demon.' i thought.
'this is it.'
'you can't leave it here running the show'
'you gotta get past it.'

yeah.
yeah.
yeah.
i KNEW

but how???

another thing about this bein' 50 stuff......maybe i'm gettin' more
patient with myself....
i didn't rip my hair out, pound on the table, and insist that i get it
together RIGHT NOW.
i leaned back and wondered how on earth i'd come back.

and there - between my not pushing -
and my partner's not pushing -
together, we made this 'space'
and when i looked at his amazing face, i just felt the space.

and there was room to gently start coming back.

he held me as i told him what was goin' on.
he just held me and reassured me.

and i found my way back.

i don't know how to conquer this demon.
i don't have a plan.
but i do see something -
it's gonna happen by my love for another.
by my believing in another's love for me.
and it's not gonna be easy.
but i'm pretty sure that's where the healing will be found.

which brings me right back to my thoughts about love -
and how i have no idea what this love stuff really is
and what it really can do for me -

and it brings me right back to my partner.
and how i've got a partner strong enough to be there while i learn.

and it brings me right back to the season of darkness and light.
and how it's a forever dance inside and around us of the two......

and it brings me back to the idea that maybe that demon of mine isn't one
to conquer - maybe it's one to dance with......

and it all brings me right back to gratitude......