Tuesday, December 20, 2011

putting the stuff down....

fatigue had set in last nite, and my mind was goin' to places i didn't want
it to go to.

i'm catchin' on a little bit, realized that being really tired was gonna
do that, and so i went to bed early. got a good nite's sleep...
but still woke up a bit funky.

i printed out a long email that i knew was gonna be gold, got on
my bike, and warmed up while reading the note.

sure enough, it was gold. it made me cry, made me think, and
moved my spirit.

i put the note in my bike basket and looked out the window.
'i'm not sure i can not be out there' i thought, looking at that morning.
i'm totally missing my walks.
'i'm just not sure i can do this.'

i got off the bike and opened my window.
the bottom half where the screen was.
i got back on.
realized i should open the top half of the window with no screen.
then i could at least feel like i was a little bit outside.
getting back off again, i redid the window.

ohhhhh yeah.
much better.

hoppin' back on the bike, i focused my eyes on that sky.

all the things that were making me feel funky whirled around me.
i pedaled and named them as i pedaled.
cancer, bad marriages, dysfunction, narcissism, miscommunications,
rape, losing people, cruelty, fear, death, violence...all this stuff that had been
whirlin' around my world.

all this STUFF.
all this stuff stuff stuff stuff.

i pedaled and pedaled and thought about how this stuff was all over
the place.

i wanted to pedal into that sky. i just wanted to BE IN the sky.

and i thought about my own sky inside of me.
how that's where i needed to focus today.
all this other stuff would always be out there. always.

i wasn't sure i was ever gonna feel like getting off that bike.

but i did.
and i went up to my window and stood on my tip toes
so i could get a good look out the open top part.
and i leaned there, looking up at the trees and the sky
and i whispered, kinda with desperation - 'please god,
let me focus on the things i need to focus on today.'
and as soon as i whispered that, i leaned back a bit and
could feel this sense of peace. it just came over me.
and then.....
and right then......
i noticed something funky with the branches in the trees.

i can't describe it, cause it wasn't really there.
it was a trick of my eyes...
it's something i saw once i relaxed and just looked.
it was this really cool look the branches had.
something really artsy and zebra like. yeah zebra-like.
and yeah, it doesn't matter.

but it caught my attention and i started focusing on those
branches. what's that? i've never seen them look like that before.
look at that!

and then i got it - just landed right there inside my brain -
don't focus on the negatives, intentionally focus where it
will do you good, relax in that, trust that, and watch the magic show up.

i closed the window, changed my clothes, and thought about that.
'sounds real nice ter, but that's a pretty big challenge because of all the
little things pinging at your attention today - all the little things that will
eat your day away....and your heart.'

'then i take the challenge' i thought back.
and i'll keep looking at the sky inside me today.
and maybe i'll keep those zebra-like branches in mind today as well.

there's magic everywhere.
and there's stuff everywhere.

today i want the magic.
today i choose the magic.
today, over and over again, i will need to put the stuff down.

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