Friday, December 16, 2011

so there you darn voices.

i am constantly amazed at the power of friendship.......
which is kinda interesting as that seemed to be causing my problems
in the first place.

i was wrapping an order and thinking.

i was thinking of some friends that i've lost.
they're still living...just not in my life anymore.

and i got filled with this whole huge self doubt stuff.
and that voiced appeared.
you know the one......

and it said all snide-like 'yeah, right. you want to be love.
you can't even keep a friend. why do you think that is?
think it's cause you're so loving??'

that was a rough thing to say.

so the self doubt poured in along with the voices.
i wrapped the order and heard them.

and then i stopped and told myself.....'i do want to be love.
so the loving thing to do isn't to figure out who's fault what was...
the loving thing to do is to hold these people close and truly send
them love in my heart. for real. THAT would be living love.'

and i could feel the rightness of that thought.
i could just feel it.

but still i felt sad.

and as i came over to the puter to type up the shipping label,
there was a forward from a friend on 'self love.'

talk about timing.
i read it, wrote her back, told her the timing was perfect that i was
havin' some big self doubt moments.

she didn't miss a beat and told me that anything funky i was feeling
right now was understandable.

and that's when my eyes got big.

i had told her....sunday's the anniversary of my dad's death.
and yeah, that's still hard.
but i hadn't thought of it this morning.
haven't been thinking of it or dwelling on it.
but yeah, i know it's come out here and there.
even with my losing my walks, i could feel it come out thru that
in some crazy way.

and i so appreciated her seeing that and acknowledging it.
and saying 'it's normal you're having a rough moment.'

friends. what would we do without them?

and the ones i've lost?
i miss them. i really really do.
i also know that there are times we all just have to keep going and move
on....but that doesn't mean i don't still treasure what they've brought to my life.

and i'm gonna do that deliberately today.
hold them close.
cause i really do want to be love.
even tho i mess up a lot as i go along.........
we just keep going.
and that's the loving thing to do for ourselves as well.


Leisha said...

You are a beautiful soul...

☼Illuminary☼ said...

You know I lost a really good friend about 6 years ago. He got married and his wife HATED me. Was really crazy over the top in how much she did not like me. He was really special in both my kids lives, and they Loved him HUGE. When he got married I got a note that specifically said " NO KIDS", both of mine were devastated.
We were sitting around making cookies last weekend and he got brought into the conversation. It hurt, as it always will. I still love him, still want him to be happy. I had to let go though.
I stopped sending cards and stuff. It just hurt to much.
When we lose a friend, it hurts. I don't think the loving ever stops. But at some point you have to just love them, and let go, so that those darn voices don't eat you alive.

terri said...

thanks, woman........
and i'm sorry for your loss.
that sucked......

terri said...

thank you, leisha.....