freaky catch ups...

they're my closest girlfriends.
they see me crumble, they see me happy, they see me scared,
they see me play. they see a whole whole lot of me. and they love
me thru it all.

and still, i felt a bit like a freak sitting there.

we were catching up, filling each other in on our stuff.
it's a lovely combination, the three of us. a whole lotta love
and respect among us. so we all make sure we each get a
chance to share.

which at times, i wish wasn't the case. cause there are times i
just kinda wanna hide. it's certainly not cause of them and how
they make me feel.

it's cause of me and how i make me feel.

what's new in my life is all inner work.
like figuring out how to be a friend to myself.
figuring out that laughter is an entire world to explore and wander in.
adding laughter to the list of the worlds of trust and love i want to explore.
figuring out some ways in which i can do that exploring.
marveling at some of the things i've seen so far.
knowing, just knowing, that there's all these caverns for me to enter
that are gonna take me to other universes.

all that stuff.

so you sit at a table with friends who are sharing their lives,
have that to offer and see if you don't feel a bit like a freak.

i wasn't gonna say much.
i was gonna skim around it.
but um...how do you skim around it?
and besides - it's truly got my fire lit. i couldn't be more excited about it.
i opened my mouth, and it all tumbled out.

they're my closest girlfriends.
they love me.
they know this is me.
i got nothing but love and support in their reaction.

like i say, it was me that was carrying the freak stuff.

but here's the thing....the part i wanted to put out -
i was carrying it. never dropped it.
BUT. BUT. BUT.....
as i heard myself telling my stuff, the feeling of liking what i was doing
and being excited about it carried more weight than the freak feeling.
the scales were tipped in the 'this is what i want to be doing' side of things....
and the freak stuff had to just sit there and take it.

and later....much later as i haven't quite got the hang of this down yet...
i could sit with myself and listen as to why i felt like a freak. and i could
understand why i carried the feeling.

of course you carry that feeling, terri.
of course you do.

but that was then.
this is now.
you'll learn more and more to trust the now and the feeling will slip away.
for now, it's okay.
and it's pretty darn cool as the excited feeling totally outweighed it.
it will slip away.
allow yourself time.

and who knows what the exploring will bring?
just allow it all to unravel...

trust.
release.
find the laughter.

i pictured myself in the middle of the crowded starbucks,
telling my friends i was suiting up to explore, pictured what my
face musta looked liked - how intense i was about it...
and i laughed.

called myself a darn freak, and laughed some more.

it's all okay.
it truly is all okay.