mullin' around

so i was thinking about the martin luther king jr. quote that you
saw everywhere you turned yesterday (including my own facebook page)
the one about needing light to drive out darkness.

i thought of that on my walk yesterday and all during the day.
i thought of it in terms of my own 'inner predator' (see post below...
or maybe two below...)

i thought of that inner predator inside me as the darkness.
and that the way for me to do something about it would have to be
with light.

i've thought of the whole 'embracing' stuff i hear along the road....
you know....embrace your fear, embrace your anger...that kinda
stuff. and that stuff makes sense to me. those things are actually
some kinda signals to pay attention to. they're not trying to hurt you.

embracing the inner predator didn't feel right.
because it DOES seem to be trying to hurt me. it doesn't feel like
a signal for me to pay attention to, like fear or anger. it's different.

and so i wondered how does the light tie in?
well.......first thing i thought of is i don't have to try to kick it (my
inner predator) to the moon and hate it.
i can just look it in the eye and say 'that doesn't work here.'
that's different than hating it. seemed much more light-like.

and that seemed like a start.
so okay. good. i can try that idea.
but um...wait a minute....
i can't look this thing in the eye and tell it that.
THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

oh yeah.
so why can't i?
cause it feels soooo much stronger than i am.

and i know that's cause it comes in when i'm feelin' weak.
it doesn't come in when i'm feeling strong and confident.
nope.
when i'm feeling weak and easily unhinged.

okay. so i don't think it's about wrapping the ol' inner
predator in light. i think it's about GROWING the light
inside of me. so those weak spots get stronger.

i looked at the two weak spots - both spots are spots
i stand in where i don't feel good enough.

so i have to work on growing there.

so okay...HOW??

i thought of this on my bike this morning.......
what are light things to grow?

first thing i came up with, and didn't get beyond  was trust.

oh yeah. trust is light stuff.
for sure.

if i trusted.....REALLY REALLY TRUSTED those weak spots
wouldn't be so weak. well, they wouldn't be there at all. but let's
face it, i'm not gonna get there instantly.....so we'll start with they
wouldn't be so weak.

that brought me to trust.
how do you grow it???

it's a big circle, i think.
you gotta believe in yourself.
and you gotta know things will work out.
hmmmmm......
for me that is a really dangerous slippery slope.

what happened to me before is i trusted things would work out
if i worked hard enough. and it turned into something that i had tried
so hard to leave behind - it turned into some kinda belief in a god
who rewarded you for doing good.

that's not my true beliefs.
so then when i realized i built my life there yet again, i crumbled.
and i'm wary of that slippery slope.

but it's not that, i thought.
it's trusting YOURSELF to do what you need....and when you
really get there, there's a space, i'm certain of, that's magic.
that's the god stuff......
there's a space you can step into.

but the minute you start looking for it, you've lost it.
trust isn't trust if you're expecting a reward.
jeesh.
trust is just trust.
trust is living. not getting.
truly living.
which is getting.

it can get pretty zennish i think.
once you've looked for it, you've lost it.
once you've let go, you get it.
that kinda thing.

and i'm pretty darn sure gratitude has a lot to do with trust.
i think maybe because gratitude keeps you focused in a good spot.
gratitude keeps you moving forward.
it keeps you out of the murky shadows.

it's those shadows that grab you and pull you under into self doubt and
stuff like that......

so where the heck does this ramble leave me????

actively trying to grow the light stuff.
yeah.
i think that's it.

knowing that growing light is my tool to help me face the dark.

becoming more aware of trust and gratitude and where i choose
to live my moments. that kinda thing. easily said. sounds pretty,
sounds noble and cosmic.....and my gosh, so easily forgotten
and lost and muddled.

and because i'm so good at forgetting and getting lost and muddled,
it just means i have more room to work in! more opportunities every
day.

and when i start to feel the self doubt rollin' in....maybe i can really stop
and be aware. pull in some of the light....that kinda thing.

worth a shot.
and so i try and try again.