Thursday, February 23, 2012

dabblin' with the guilt....

guilt has been on my mind.
big time.

i talked to someone who's been carrying guilt around for so many years.
i can look at her and say 'drop it, it's not yours.'
and i know darn well that's easy for me to say.
but if she coulda just dropped it, she would have. years ago!

and so i turn to my own self.
and my own guilt.

oh yeah.
the ol' 'drop it' stuff doesn't work so well when you turn it onto yourself.

so that's pretty much a pointless thing to say, isn't it?

altho, i guess it's not totally pointless. cause it's good to  know that's the goal.
and it's good to be reminded the guilt is out of proportion.

something i think is interesting about guilt is the different layers to it.
i always remember something one of my counselors told me.

i had some major guilt when i went in to see her.
i couldn't put it down.
and she told me that it was serving me some purpose or else i'd be able to put it down.

that floored me.

and of course i looked at it.
we decided together that it told me that 'i mattered.'
the guilt made me matter in a certain situation.

at the time, i grabbed that and went with it.
it's funny looking back, i don't buy it as much -
too neat and tidy and didn't really fit.

BUT i think there's a point there that needs to be held.
if we're not letting something go, there's probably some pretty complicated
reasons we're holding on to it. and yeah, i'm thinking those reasons are serving us
some purpose. and i'm thinking it's probably not really healthy.

that's it.
that's as far as i got.
not very far, is it?

hearing this woman carrying around this guilt for all those years has me thinking tho.
i think it's time to dabble with my guilt.
see what it's giving me.
see why i won't put it down.


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