staring

'it's up to us to make our own happiness.'

i keep thinking about this concept, and i readily admit, i'm like a darn spoiled brat.
because part of me just hates this. part of me would really rather you just
handed me my happiness.

yeah, truly.

but that's the part that's not really understanding.

the part of me that sees a little bit more, figures this truly is a great set up.

i know. i know. it's one of those darn trite sayings.
that trite little saying that i just roll my eyes at when i'm so far away from it,
or nod knowingly when it's working.

i'm doin' neither this morning.

i'm just thinking about it, kinda standing there staring at it in wonder,
part of me hating it, part of me admiring it.

i feel more centered today than i have in days.
part of that is hangin' with my guy and just bein' close to someone i trust so much.
part of that is hangin' with myself and asking myself how i'm feelin' and what i need.
part of that has been actively workin' on the 'dark parts in my heart' the last few days.
altho, i've still got a few pretty dark ones i gotta look at yet.

i'm MORE centered than i have been in days.
can't say i'm centered tho.

BUT i see that it's really about what's goin' on in my head.
and it's up to me what i let go on there.

i mean - there's no kidding about that - that's the deal.
it's up to ME what i let go on there.

sigh.

and yeah, when i can't do it alone, i need to reach out to ones i trust to
help me.

so i'm just standin' here starin' at that thought this morning.
not moving towards it. not moving away from it.
just staring.

and thinking someone actually did set up this being human deal in a pretty cool way.