her passing

i haven't been able to post because i haven't been able to figure out how.

do i say i heard a certain kinda tinkly bell noise i never heard before,
a noise i knew was odd, so odd that i rolled over and looked at the clock
to note the time. i wondered if she had passed. and i thought of 'tinker bell'
and wondered if she liked tinker bell a lot. cause that's what the noise
reminded me of. and i smiled, cause she coulda been a little tinker bell.

do i say that no matter where my mind goes with my thoughts of her,
they always always land back to 'she just wanted to be loved, really really
loved and cherished. and she never got it.' and my heart hangs heavy with that.

do i tell the story of when i was in a room with my entire family and hurting
so badly and no one offering me any kinda kindness. feeling so incredibly
alone and brokenhearted when she walked up and gently kissed me on my check.
it was one of the most powerful things anyone has ever done for me.
inspiring the bone sigh, 'her kiss' -
'you have taught me the strength of tenderness.'
and with that kiss, she gave me something i will never forget.

how do i describe the path of the road we shared? i can't figure it out, so much
of it will never make sense to me. i think there was much conflict inside of her,
much conflict inside my family.. and much inside of me...that some of it will
just never make sense.

how is it i was the one holding her in the hospital room as my dad lay dying.
she was sobbing in my arms telling me about how much my dad was like a father to her,
as i held her and tried to soothe her all the time wondering how it was i hadn't
had a father in years.

there were secrets i knew about her. painful ones. ones that made me ache for
her and wish certain things for her.

when i try to describe her, no matter how many adjectives i come up with about
her charm, her smile, her curiosity...each one leads me back to the woman who
just wanted to be loved.

she was short and blonde and cute and twinkled. she was warm and friendly
and smart and loved languages and different cultures. she was the only member
of my family who told me repeatedly, easily and almost every time we saw
each other that i was beautiful and she loved me.

there were the funny moments, the good food moments, she was a great cook,
there was the enjoyment of watching her interact with my sons. there was the good stuff,
the hard stuff, the weird stuff.......there was stuff.

life stuff.

my sister in law died this weekend. after a long long long fight with cancer.

i wasn't as close to her as i would have liked to have been.  it was hard for me
to watch from the sidelines. i don't do so good with sidelines. i spent a lotta
times struggling with those darn sidelines.....cause sometimes, that's just where
you are and you need to get okay with that.

i will be attending the services from the sidelines.
and after all these years, i've gotten okay with that too.

but in my heart - there's no sidelines about it.....
i will be holding her and loving her and remembering her...
and every time i see tinker bell now....i will smile and i will see her light.

fly home, janene.
fly home.