march moods

since my dad's death, i usually seem to slip into march in a mood.
his birthday is in the beginning of march.
and it usually gets to me one way or another.

the year i laugh about the most was the year i gave up sugar for a new years resolution.
i didn't have one smidgen of sugar at all.
UNTIL
the day of my dad's birthday.........and then i think i inhaled enough chocolate to last me
all year long.

it wasn't even like i tasted it.
i just inhaled it.

oh man.

so this year i was sliding in with a 'what's it all about' mood.
but with the slant of 'what's the point?'
you know, one of THOSE moods.

but.....i gotta say......without any chocolate.

my guy really really helped me with the mood.
and i managed to actually get to a spot where i could celebrate the day.

but here's the cool part -
it wasn't just celebrating my dad.
it was celebrating all the growth i had done thru the struggles i  had
with my relationship with him and with his passing.

my guy gave me that.
he had me look at that.
and he had me look at what all i had now because of what i went thru.

what a cool thing to help me with.

and i keep thinking about that.....the struggles we have.
the really really deep ones. how we grow. the what's it all about stuff...
all of it.

and then.......i ran across this from the book i wrote, the fabric of her
dancing shoes - and i smiled...


“My heart got so broken open. 
My heart.
It wasn’t my body or my bank. It was my heart.

Of course.
It had to have been.

I just nodded.

I NEEDED my heart to be broken open so that I could – ohmygosh – I don’t know what...

Rebuild it?
Refill it?
Put it back together with my own love?
Learn self love?

I don’t know...but I so know I needed it.
Wow. Wow. Wow. Go figure.

For a long time I’ve known it was a good thing. That I got a lot of good out of it. But I’m not sure I knew that I NEEDED it!

My heart. Go figure.
Me and my heart. We needed to break a bit.
I have to remember that when I try so hard to protect it.”

i still am kinda wondering what it's all about right now.
but at the same time, there's this feeling of the 'holiness' of the journey, of the growth. 
so it's quite a mix inside me right now.
which is fitting, cause it certainly is quite a journey.