rivers, rafts and remembering

my gosh, the last month has been filled with more life/emotions/stuff to deal with
than the whole year combined. well....okay, it hasn't been that long of a year
if you take the last month out - but STILL! you get the idea.

so i hopped on the treadmill this morning to 'walk it out.'
sometimes i get on there and put music on and just escape.
but sometimes like this morning, i gotta just walk everything out and leave
a trail of stuff behind me.

i immediately thought of that one little smidgen of a line in a song i like...
i love the way the guy sings it - 'outta my way i'm running....'
and i grinned. i wasn't running this morning. i know as i know that feeling well.
i was juts walkin' it all out. there's a difference.

and as i was thinking of all that, the river image came to mind.

that one is real helpful to me.
the one where life's a river and you're goin' down it on  your raft.
there's the calm peaceful waters, there's the white water, there's everything in between.

more than once that image has helped me remember how i want to go thru life.

this morning i had a new thought - it was that i just wanted to ride the river,
i didn't need to control it.

and i pictured trying to control a river.
ridiculous, right?
oh yeah, let's see, we'll move these rocks here, and change this water flow
over here.....
yeah, it's just impossible.

it's so impossible, it's the perfect visual for me.
cause i think i've been really back into wanting to control life.
i do that.
i do that when things get crazy around me.

and i saw it with the river image - it's totally not doable.
you just gotta ride your raft, ter.

and i knew it, i felt it and i was okay with it this morning.
i guess a certain amount of rock moving and stumbling around trying to
control water flow will wear you out and you give up and flop back
down on your raft sooner or later.

think that's where i am.
and it feels right.

i thought of the ways we ride that raft....thought of how it'd be to be all
tense waiting for the white water and because of that missing the gorgeous
peaceful flow over here that you could just sit back in and listen to the birds.
that kinda thing.

you gotta just ride it, ter.
be in whatever water you're in at the moment.

right now i seem to be in a spot in the river where there's a touch of everything.
just a touch of everything. it's enough to make you crazy - unless- unless-
you sit back and take the ride and stop trying to control it.

hmmmm.....
today's a day for a little isolation.
the introvert in me is screaming for some.

a little quiet time on my raft. a little time to get settled back in.
watching it all, knowing i'm just along for the ride, and wiping the
spray of the river off my face.......over and over again.