my heart and me

i really don't think days come any prettier than the one we're having here now.
it's top of the line gorgeous.

so what a treat to sit outside and take a coffee break with my girlfriend.

she 'gets' me so i find it easy to talk to her about the stuff inside of me.
thing is, sometimes i have a hard time articulating what's there.
but i thought i'd try cause if anyone would get it, she would.

i musta mentioned here the idea i had last week that my heart needed me
as much as i needed my heart. i have the idea inside of me, but articulating
it out loud just doesn't seem to work. i've tried and kinda flopped.

but i tried again.
cause she would be a place to practice.
and i ended up describing it in a certain way that i wanted to share....

it's like if i could take myself apart. there's two main parts of me. the heart and the
rest of me.....i'll just call 'me.'

well, the heart is like the ultimate lover.
the ultimate.
all you could ever want.

i love it, i respect it, i admire it.....it's everything to me.
and you spend years and years just loving that lover. just getting lost in trying
to see that lover better, in listening better, in tending to that lover's needs more.
you just get lost in that.

and then one day, that lover turns to you, and wants you as much as you want
your lover. exactly the way you are. no tweaks, no conditions, completely as is.

that's like what happened between me and my heart recently.
i think that's kinda it.

i've been so lost in caring for my heart all these years.........i never really thought
about it turning around and caring back.

i just never thought about it. i was lost in the other.

and when it did........when i was needed as much as i needed it......
it affected me so deeply.

the self worth involved in that is a bit overwhelming to me.
cause there was no question that i wasn't good enough for my heart.
my heart never questioned it........and i never questioned it.
i understood (at least momentarily) that who i am is exactly
who my heart needs.

i think that's the first time ever in my whole life i felt totally worthy.
i felt worthy of my heart.

how incredibly amazing is that?!

after telling her about it, i'm just all stirred up with it and had to share.
the tears came as i told her about it.
and they come as i type about it.

and i have no idea if it makes any sense to anyone else or not.
but it really tickles me anyway.