not so baby baby steps

sometimes the deal is just yours.

okay, prolly most of the time the deal is just yours.
but it's not always so easy to see that.

prolly a good amount of time we blame them for it.
we see them at fault.
at least partially.
or mostly.

but sometimes we're graced with a moment of feeling bad
and knowing it's our deal. and no one else's.
and while they may have said something in a certain tone,
or done something a certain way.......that really wouldn't have mattered
if we were steady and didn't have this issue.

so yeah, i had this happen.
and while in the moment it felt bad. i also knew it was mine.
i'm kinda in a place i just wanna feel good.
i'm tired of the not so good.
so my patience is less than normal.

but looking at it all this morning, i'm really glad for it.

because here's what i see......

if i take this and really work with it.....
really make it my deal and no one else's,
well.....what it does is kinda throw down the gauntlet of trust.
maybe the gauntlet of love.
maybe the gauntlet of love and trust and friendship.

it says 'i trust you big time and i'm gonna work this out in me
so it doesn't hurt you. i don't want to take my issues out on you.'

what kinda gift is that to give someone?
and to give to yourself?

so i've been thinking a lot about it.
and coming up with little baby steps on how to start dealing with it all
inside of me.

acknowledging it's mine, understanding why i have it, offering myself compassion
for those reasons, and deciding i don't want it anymore. and doing a few concrete
things to start changing the direction of that flow inside of me.

hmmmmm.....i guess those aren't baby steps are they?