lettin' it be..........

i've heard of a lotta women with this issue.
not sure if that makes it a woman's issue, or if that just means i talk
to more women than men...
but i'm inclined to think it's a woman's issue.

this deal where we have to take care of everyone.
sounds womany, doesn't it?

and i thought it kinda tied into mother's day and was timely.
cause it's kinda like the feeling where you have to mother everyone.

i was thinking about it this morning, thinking that i felt like i needed
to 'fix' things for people.

and my nose wrinkled at that.
cause that's a guy thing, right?
tell a guy your problem and he has to fix it.

and i realized that wasn't it.
it's not that i want to 'fix' the situation.
it's that i want to 'comfort' the feelings being experienced,
or actively respond to the feelings.

especially, especially when they're directed at me in some way.

so i thought about that.

and i thought about how i am capable of doing back flips to make things
smoother. and when i choose not to, because intellectually i understand
that it's not healthy for me to do that, i get really uncomfortable. i want
to mold the world into a smooth, happy place.

ohmygosh.
that's not a plan that is likely to work.

so i walked this morning and thought about that.
i thought about some of the stuff i was squirming over that started the
thoughts in the first place.

could it be, ter, that this is just the way it is.
that it's not gonna be smooth and happy there.
and over here? nah, it's gonna be kinda not so great.
and that's okay.

cause that's really how life is sometimes.

you don't have to make it something it's not.

and i swear, my whole being relaxed with that thought.
i could feel the tension in my body just release.

i think there's two huge huge parts to that thought........
it's not up to me to make the world a smooth happy place.

that's big if you somehow walk around carrying that.

and the other part....it's about allowing life to be what it is.
not always happy.
and definitely not always smooth.

it's about letting life be life.
and being okay with that.

i don't have this down at all.
i just had the thought this morning.
i think i have a long way to go to really live it fully.
but the thing is......this is the stuff of being a wise old crone.
this is the stuff i want to shoot for.

some of this stuff seems so darn simple.
but i tell ya, my whole body can buck the simple and work
real hard against the flow.

i felt it relax this morning and i knew i had to work with this a whole lot more.