Friday, May 4, 2012

oh.

of course i want him to see me and know me and understand me.
of course i do. i mean, that's the POINT!
but when he sees me and knows me and understands me more than i do sometimes,
well that freaks me out just a little.
and i squirm.

and when he knows things already that i only just discover,
that frustrates me.

either he could tell me, or i could stop being so thick and slow!

i was trying to tell him about the inner child thoughts i had been having.
how i think the 'little terri' part is way more involved in my days than i know.

he agreed. but in that way of agreeing like he already knew.
which of course i knew he couldn't.
so i challenged him.

and that's when he said that if i was totally secure in everything in my life,
little terri would be running around all the time. she would be the main part
that you saw.

'it's your insecurities that bring out the adult terri.' he said.

woe.

hmmmmmmmm.

oh.

i have been thinking about that ever since.

i talked to one of my sons about it all, mentioning i need another term besides
'your inner child' as a lotta people just don't relate to that phrase, it's too woo woo,
or they just don't feel like they have one.

and whatever i'm talking about, i think everyone has one.

so maybe it's the part of you that comes out when you're feeling totally secure.

your true self?

would that work?

not sure really. don't think so.
wish i could come up with it.....

but whatever phrase it is.....maybe the phrase should just be 'the part of you that comes
out when you're feeling totally secure'...that part.....

don't you love that part???

don't you want to be with that part a whole lot more???

i do.

now, what the heck do i do?

2 comments:

Dan McGaffin said...

I really loved this post today Terri. A couple of things grabbed me.

“either he could tell me, or i could stop being so thick and slow!”

I saw that line and thought about how I learn. I learn best by doing something myself. Someone can tell me how to do something or I can watch a training video, but until I actually try to do it on my own, I can’t do it.

And also, why would you want him to spoil your journey? Sometimes I think how thick I must be. It can take me months or longer to figure stuff out sometimes. It just bounces around and around in that ol’ skull of mine until the light bulb goes off. Sure, it would be easier if someone sat me down and said “This is why you feel this way” or “This is why she feels this way and why you are screwing things up”. Yeah. It might make life easier, but as the band Nickleback says, “Don’t take the free ride in your own life.”

And then you got into the inner child thing. And I agree with you when you say that some people don’t get that term “inner child” because I don’t. I can kind of see it, but haven’t been able to wrap my brain around it. And then you talk about how we are when we feel secure. How we let out our “true self” and I just shake my head yes. I know how long it takes me to feel comfortable around people. One of the guys at work commented a while ago how I had changed since I had started working with him. And it wasn’t that I had really changed, it was that I was feeling more comfortable and letting myself come out. I’m usually pretty quiet or keep my feelings to myself when I’m with a new group. But once I’m comfortable with them, look out because the “True Dan” is ready to come out and play.

terri said...

terrific thoughts, dan! thanks! yeah, you're right.....i want the fun of figurin' stuff out. my gosh tho, sometimes i feel soooooo thick and slow!!

glad the 'true self' stuff hit right!

:)