my wall

it's not like i do that much.
i really can't figure why my body gets so tired.
the guys are the ones who do all the serious lifting and yanking
and smashing.......maybe it's empathy fatigue.

but while my body's groaning a bit today,
my heart is skippin' around!

after another couple of hours, i will have a completely finished
new outside wall of my studio! (just the one...still got the others...
but they're for later!) complete with new window box i built
(with the incredible guidance and patience of my sons) and a new
window!

so yeah, that's a big relief as i've been looking at that rotting wall
for years now.

so to have it done is a huge huge relief.

but there's so much more to it.

again, i got another lesson in 'you can do anything you need to,
just take it one step at a time and ask when you're not sure.'

honestly, that's one of the best lessons for me.
i need to keep having that reinforced inside of me.
funny as i worked hard on teaching my sons that.......
and now that they've got that down, they're teaching me.
how cool is that?!

all the 'handyman' kinda projects were always the job of my
at the time husband. i didn't pay much attention and any drilling
or hammering i did was just for fun on some kooky project i was doing.
it never 'mattered.'

i think this kinda thing is so empowering.
the doing of something after all these years of letting someone else do it.
(and i'm pretty sure that's not just handyman stuff that works with -
hmmmmmmm something to think about.........)

i used the sawzall (amazingly great name, don't you think?!)
that completely shook the depths of my ears and tickled
and the BRAND NEW circular saw.

i had been sayin' that i'd saw up the wood for the trash pick up
and noah said i really shouldn't as something's wrong with our circular saw.
it wasn't safe and i really shouldn't. he would do it.

my eyebrows went up.
while trying to be ms. handyman, i was still a mom.....and that wasn't
gonna work......

great, i thought. i need to buy a new saw like i need to buy a hole in the head.
(is there a pun in there??) but i thought about if something happened, and yes,
i indeed needed to get a new saw.

imagine my delight when we found one way way better than ours on sale (!!)
for FORTY dollars.

seriously???
like why didn't we get one before??? ours was ancient.

AND! it has a little laser light that helps you saw straight.
i never sawed straight in my life. but i did yesterday!!!!~

after cutting something, i heard noah say how much he liked the new saw.
then i heard him stop and say 'okay, i love it.' and i grinned.

who knew a saw could warm so many hearts??
we were all thrilled.

anyway, i sawed better than i ever had, i used the drill better than i ever had,
and i nailed better than i ever had.

don't be confused........i still suck at all of them. ohmygosh do i.
i still have the skills of a first grader and still make the guys laugh when they watch.
BUT! there's improvement.and i see it. and i feel really good about that.
there's something big about this. there's independence and confidence growing
and some kinda fear fading......it's big.......even tho the progress is way slow.

then there's the time together.......ohmygosh........i needed a day outside workin' with
them. we felt like the team that we are. and i needed that feeling. i love that feeling.

there were the funny moments.....like when the guys dropped the new window,
or when noah asked me to do something just cause he thought it'd be funny to watch.

there were the moments that meant everything, like when zakk stopped working to
explain something to me in the kindest way ever, or when i saw noah's smile when he
saw the hole he cut in the wall for the window was perfect.

at one point, i was walking down one of the main aisles of lowes. for some really odd
reason, i was the only one there for a few moments. it was like the store was entirely
mine. i thought of how the store had changed for me and how i was changing and i felt
kinda like i owned the world. it was awesome.

i'm headin' out to finish the painting.
i'm tired of painting. will be glad to put the brushes away.
but i'll tell ya this.....i'll be out there alone for a bit in the morning painting a wall
that me and the guys put up (okay, that the guys put up) and i'm gonna hold all
that means as i paint.

and when i step back this afternoon and look at the whole finished thing.......
it's gonna look like the most beautiful wall i've ever seen.

there are times i live like like i really deep down want to.
this wall building has been one of those times.....