something to strive for.......

okay.......so i'm thinking about this 'experiencing who you are' stuff.
(see post below)

and i'm thinking of the process of my relationship with that guy of mine.

and it truly is fascinating if you can take yourself out of it long enough to look.

i think we all must have fascinating processes with our significant relationships......
it's just so hard to step out and look.

we have been going thru a time neither one of us has found easy.
we've worked hard at figuring it out, trying to do things to ease whatever's
causing pain or friction and just not quite getting where we want to be.
there has been a lot of frustration on both sides and a lot of struggle.

sometimes i sit back and think of how it's the flip side of the cycle we were
riding in the beginning of the year. everything was so smooth and easy and
incredibly happy.

you knew that wheel had to turn around.......and wondered when it would.......
and here it's been for what seems like way too long and we're ready for that
wheel to spin around again. at least just outta this patch.

and i can see it's finally spinning in another direction. i can see it happening.
but it's been tiny little spins. and not quite enough for my taste.

but this weekend brought us a break thru.
we both felt it happen and we both felt great relief.
and we're both ready to take it and run with it.
right outta this pit we've been in.
let's go!

thing is......as i sit here now seeing the light at the end of the tunnel,
i can look at it all a bit more objectively.
and i can see how the 'break thru' that we felt happen this weekend was a moment
where we both experienced who we were and who we were as a couple.
the real stuff.

we touched the real.
and we'd been having such trouble with that.

and i can see how the struggle itself - which truly has felt like nothing positive -
IS a good thing. how it IS a chance to experience who you are or who
you are not.

i can see - kinda - in moments here -  in quick glimpses - how all this stuff....
all the hard stuff, all the stuff we wish we didn't have to deal with.....really is stuff
that can show us so much.

if we stopped being afraid of it, and just started watching it.......i can see how that'd
change everything.

i get so stuck on the fear. the fear of 'where is this going?' 'what's going to happen?'

when none of that matters.
cause it's the moments that matter......whatever they're filled with......it's the moments
that give us the chances to experience who we are.

i've kinda got this. like i can see it. in spurts. then it fades. then i get it again.
not sure i'm writing it so anyone can understand what i mean.
which just means i have a long way to go to really getting this down.....
but i feel like i'm a step closer.
and it's really kinda cool.
and i so so so want to get this down.

just laying the fear down and saying 'okay, this is the moment. who am i in this moment?'

wouldn't that be beyond incredible????