one incredible moment

i had a weird moment yesterday.
a weird moment that brought up some pretty big stuff inside of me.

i could feel the whole body chemistry change.
and my head felt like it was whirling.
after sitting in it for much longer than i expected,
i sat back and felt the feelings.

the body stuff.
how i felt different......like my whole chemistry had changed.

and i asked myself what i was going to do with it all.

ha!
i wasn't a darn victim to it.
you know how we can be??? ( the victim)
you know how we get these feelings and we crumble?
at least i do.
or i go falling back into old stuff that i had hoped i had left.
or i just go to icky places.

and i feel like there's no choice.
it just happens.

well.......darn it all if that DIDN'T happen yesterday.
i leaned back and asked.

'okay, ter. where does this leave you?'

and i swear the coolest thing happened.........
a really really really deep wave of gratitude swept thru me.
swept down in my depths and rose higher and higher.

it was really really clear to me that my journey, as crazy as it's been,
as painful as it's been at times - and i looked back on some of my
worst pain ever - all that stuff.........was so incredibly worth it.

i knew that. i already had that lesson down. but i think there's levels
of 'down.'

i'll get something down. then months later get it down deeper....then
years later get it even down deeper.

this was one of those 'even down deeper' moments.

and it awed me.

and i thought of all the journeys i get a glimpse of that go thru bone sigh arts.
all the painful letters i read with all the people struggling with their darkness.....

i usually try to remind people that there's gold in the darkness.......
cause i believe that.

but i think yesterday i just got a booster shot in that belief.
and the next time i write that out to someone, i'm gonna be feeling it
even more.

think about it.......to say.......and believe with all your heart........
that the pain and struggle and darkness is worth it.
it's worth it.

that's some pretty big stuff.

and i realize that i don't have it down as much as i think, cause if i did,
then i wouldn't balk at any pain and struggle coming my way now.
i'd know it was worth it.
and well.....truth is.......i usually run from pain and struggle!!! so, no....
i don't have it like i'd like to.......

but i got it a little bit more yesterday.
and it knocked me to my knees.