Tuesday, July 31, 2012

some relationship stuff i'm learning....

somewhere in the course of the conversation, i talked of something i had learned
in my relationship with my guy.

after i hung up, i realized just how important a lesson it is to get.
and i've been thinking about it ever since.

when i get hurt, i try to see what's going on and make sense of it.

and somewhere along the line, i figured out that's a total control thing.
it's not the helpful healing thing i think it is.

if i can make sense of it, it's something that won't hurt as bad, i can keep it from
happening again, and probably a bunch of other kinda controls.

anyway, i go into my head and get real logical and try to figure it out.
both sides.
his as well as mine.

i think this can be a good thing to start with. i think it has its place.
but only as a thing to say 'wait, there's more going on here than it feels like,
and there's more to understand.'

i think that's beautifully helpful.

it's when i start filling in the blanks all by myself that this turns from beautiful
into controlling.

and i didn't know this.
i thought it was way good. i thought it's what i should be doing. i thought it was

it took a few times of my guy telling me he hates it when i do that for me to
understand what he was saying.

when i do that, i leave him out of the equation.

my mouth probably fell open the first time he even hinted at that thought.
i'm doing my best to include him in!

but he's right.
i turn away from being a team into being the one with the answers.
and that surely keeps me from hearing him and seeing him.

which, if wasn't so awful, would be funny.

because my big big big button is not feeling seen.
i kinda think that's most people's big button. we can put a million different spins
on that theme, but they all seem to boil down to the same kinda thing.

if i don't feel seen, it really really bothers me.

and here i was, assuming i knew the answers for my guy.
assuming i knew why he did what.
that's a pretty arrogant assumption.

'but i do know some of his stuff - a good part of his stuff!' i would say in my
head if i was reading this blog a few years ago. 'i can still figure stuff out in my
head and be helpful....'

it did take me awhile to really understand his point.
which is odd because now it seems like such a straightforward point.

when i try to control things like that, and mask them in something that seems
helpful i make it really cloudy for me to figure out what's going on. but it's
pretty basic........i turn away from being a team and turn just to myself.

any time i turn away from being a team when it involves both of us,
i'm saying i have the answers for both of us.

and that's never okay.

what it does is stop me from asking him what's really going on inside of him.
it stops me from listening to him. it stops me from seeing him. all the while
convincing me that that is exactly what i am doing......seeing him. it's tricky
icky stuff.

as i was telling my friend this, i stopped and said something like 'you're not
done when you go and ask what was going on for them because then you
have to listen to what they say!'

really really listening.

seriously, when something big's going on, i have to remind myself over and over again -
'just listen, terri. just hear him.'

and gosh that's hard to turn off the voices and hear.
to really listen.

i think that's why i love all those beautiful quotes about listening.
we honestly don't do it enough.
or at least i don't.

but i'm learning how to more and more.
and it's changed things for the better between my guy and i.

thinking about it, it would have to.
you're hurt. you go to your partner and say 'i'm hurt, this is why.
this is what i see. what is it you think? what is it you see?'

how can that not change things?
think of all the things you are saying there....all the things you are backing up
with your actions -

things like 'i know you didn't mean it, so let's straighten it out so it doesn't
feel like this' .......'i want your input because that's what the whole point is
in the first place.'........'i trust you.'.........'i love you.'.....'i want your help.'

or if you're really shaky and you just don't know you're still saying important
things like -  'i'm really really scared you aren't seeing me here and it's
freaking me out. help me to understand where you are.'......'this hurt so bad
and i know you're a good good person so we need to figure out what's goin'
on together.'......stuff like that.

i think when those messages come out from our actions, they can't help
but change things for the better.

and in learning to listen to what the other is saying we see them all the more.

for me, every single time i really listen i'm reminded of how much more there is
to learn about my partner. i'm stunned by that. and i wonder if a lifetime really
is enough time to get to  know this man.

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