Friday, July 13, 2012

those inner alarm bells

it wasn't a melt down. it wasn't an emotional collapse. it wasn't aimed at anything
in particular. there was just this feeling inside that was almost like quiet alarm
bells goin' off.

and i knew i'd better pay attention.

and so i did.

and i cleaned.

you cleaned?!


i cleaned.

usually i don't have a ton of time so i clean like a maniac. fast, quick, and
with a crazed plan to get it all done.

not this time.

i claimed the day. i was taking all the time i wanted. deciding to only
do any other things that absolutely had to be done and nothing more,
i turned all the rest of my time to cleaning.

i started in one place, quietly, slowly, and just wandered everywhere it
took me. which was all over the place. there was no plan other than to
just slow down, be away from work, take care of my home and just feel
good about being in it.

right away, i mean, just about immediately, i felt better.
which leads me to believe just claiming the time was necessary.
i don't think i've ever cleaned that slowly. and it felt so good.
no hurry.

maybe i needed that as much as the time.
the way the time was handled.
the just no rushing. no hurrying.
it's been years of moving quickly.
slow seemed to be something necessary now.

that evening, after a day of centering, i felt so much better and i sat down
and did some art.

the art that i tried to do the day before and couldn't get anywhere with
just flowed and filled me with joy now.

i went to bed feeling soooo much better.
the alarm bells had quieted.
but i know i'm not done yet.

i'm claiming another day. and then all weekend.
just going to do what i must do work-wise, and everything else will
be aimed at what feels like it will nurture my insides.

the quiet alarm bells do their job.
they alarm me.
but i'm seeing how much my insides work with me when i work with them.
listen, respond, open up.
it matters.

No comments: