Wednesday, July 11, 2012

turnin' away from that big ol' pit!

it doesn't matter what kind of almost-melt-down it was...
it coulda been anything, love, finances, kids, mid-life stuff - anything.
doesn't matter.

what matters is there was an almost-melt-down and what happened.

there was the initial thoughts that begin the process, ya know?
and then something different than ever before happened -
my VERY FIRST thoughts were really positive and strong and
courageous.

i'm thrilled those were my very first thoughts.

but um....truth is, they only lasted a few minutes.
yeah.
five minutes tops.

and then all the typical melt down things began to happen....
the feelings in the body, the tears wanting to come...
the miserable thoughts....

all that followed pretty quickly.

and if you can picture the melt down as a big ol' pit....
one of those big ol' sinkholes - i was teetering on the edge...
really wobbling forward like i was gonna fall in.

and then....

i didn't.

i went out.
did an errand i needed to do.
did it then just to get out and moving about.
drove around a bit tryin' to get a grip, felt it all thru the errand,
but then driving home i just knew that i didn't want to melt down.
i wanted to handle whatever i needed to handle.

and i reached for the gratitude.
i didn't feel it. but i knew it.

and that was enough.

up until then i woulda guessed i had to feel it.

but i just knew it. i knew what gold i had and what i had to be grateful for.
i  knew that it was up to me to concentrate on that.
and i knew that i had a choice.

i was really clear on that.
sometimes i know it, and can't grab the positive choice anyway.
sometimes i know it and just fall right on in the sinkhole anyway.

but not this time.

and i'm thinking this whole process may have been a first for me.

the point of putting it out there is there have been plenty of times i fell.
thinking i didn't want to, but somehow knowing i did want to.
and wondering if that down deep desire to just fall in spite of all the
reasons not to would ever change. if i'd ever stop making excuses as
to why i fell - i just couldn't feel the gratitude, i just couldn't whatever...
and i 'had' to fall.

yesterday i saw i could lose the excuses. i could actually move away
from the deep desire of WANTING to fall.

(the whole 'wanting' it is prolly about three hundred blogs worth of thoughts
and not really gonna fit in this one. i'm hoping that's something people
understand when i put it in here.) (i hope so anyway!)

i've moved away from the pit. i'm still aware of it. i can still see it over
there....but i'm not goin' back to the edge today. i don't want to.

this morning i exercised and took a cold shower.
in my bathroom hangs what i now think of as my 'most functional bone sigh'.....
it's a 'stand out' which is some kinda plastic kinda stuff...it still looks nice,
but it's not paper that would mold in a bathroom....it's perfect whatever it is
to be in there. and i can actually see it from my shower. i stand in the shower,
let the water wash away the pain and the struggle and i read those lines
that somehow speak to me over and over again.

i've mentioned it over here before because i love this thing so darn much.
it reminds me to come back into focus, it reminds me i'm not a victim.
it reminds me what i want in my life, and it reminds me how i want to live.
it truly is my most functional bone sigh!!!

i wanted to end the blog with some of the lines that are on it -
just let the lines hang here a bit and kinda let you hold them as well.
these are the lines that i'm gonna circle myself with today to keep me
from headin' back to the edge.

and she remembered

it's a river you must dare to ride

you love

becoming the all

giving power to herself

choosing to believe, i face the world again

her heart spoke to her.

bowing down

she nurtured it back to fullness

it felt holy


and more if you want to go look......


4 comments:

Sherry said...

Hey Terri!! You reached chapter 4!!! Ha ha...ever hear the shortest book in the world?

The first time I heard this it was only 4 chapters...the second one wasn't there...but I think the 5 chapter version is more accurate.

http://leapoffaaaith.blogspot.com/2007/01/everymans-biography-or-worlds-shortest.html

Merry ME said...

Walking away from the edge of the pit is always a good thing. Two steps back, first one then the other. It's a bit harder to get away from the "wanting" feeling. The desire to just end the struggle and let yourself fall. I love knowing that another aspect of gratitude is like one of those rope and harness things climbers use to stay connected on a mountain. When you feel yourself leaning towards the abyss, just pull on the rope of gratitude and it will bring you back from the edge.

Hope you're feeling better. That the struggle is lessening.

Brigitte / La de Ojos Azules said...

Oh I so needed to hear this today. Today I fell over the edge... but it actually felt like I threw myself over the edge. I could feel I was getting close, and the next thing I knew there I was falling fast into those not-so-good feelings. So gratitude is the antidote? I'm off to try that now; will meditate on what I'm grateful for... and, of course, you Terri and your blog will be first on my list today. Thanks for this <3

terri said...

sherry! i'll go check it out...i'm pretty sure i know which one you're talkin' about!! :)

thanks merry me....the struggle is indeed lessening. thank you!

and brigitte - i think gratitude is key. but it's always eluded me when i seemed to need it most. this time there was a nice twist where i snatched it in a whole new way. hope you found some and are feeling better!