Monday, August 13, 2012

light and salami

it was one of those moments that....well......sucked.
it hurt, felt lousy, hit old stuff and felt like was a pattern
that just wouldn't go away.

the walls came up fast and feelings were closed.

it wasn't long after that when i saw someone's comment on the blog
i wrote about offering light to the world. which made me think
of that whole idea - the idea of reaching in and finding your light
and offering it to the light all around.

and i saw how that's the last thing i wanted to do.
i didn't want to reach in and offer anything out.
i not only didn't want to, i felt like i couldn't.

'oh great,' i thought, 'so this isn't gonna be something you can really do,
is it?'

cause it seems like working with stuff in the harder moments really matters.

and i thought about it for a minute.
now wait a minute.
just a minute.

i know one person who really needs that light really bad right now.


i really need it.
in fact, it would be total kindness if someone gave it to me right now.

i knew i could do that much at least.
and it felt important to do it.
for two reasons - one was that it felt important not to shut the light out.
that felt real important - to remember it and actually work with it.
and two - i needed some. i really needed some.

so i did.
only it was harder than i had imagined.

my head kept wanting to go to the anger and hurt and frustration.
i'd have to wrestle it quiet and stop it and try to offer some light.

i had a vague visual i was working with, but it was when i finally reached
for the stars inside me and started laying stars on myself, that i felt like i got it.

the stars! i had worked with that visual ages ago. it was totally about the
light inside of me.

all thru the nite as i tossed and turned, i'd lay a star on myself.
at one point i took this gigantic one and just pressed it over my head like
you'd do to someone with a pillow. i smiled. and decided smaller ones
were prolly better.

little bits at a time.

what stands out for me thru this, and what it is i want to offer is -
while i felt so closed and unable to offer something in a way that i ultimately
want to, i could still offer it to myself. and that was harder than i realized
it would be.

and i'm thinking that matters a ton.
and that's where we need to start anyway.

i'm not sure if my dad's 'salami technique' is what is going on - but it feels
like maybe and made me laugh when i thought of that.

he used to describe a salami and you slice it in little slices and you deal
with it little slice at a time. and he'd grin and talk about how you can tackle
anything with the salami technique.

maybe offering light is the same way.
light and salami.
who knew?


Susie Keeth said...

Just a little slice at a time....or one little star at a time. Yeah, I think that must be exactly how it works best.
And the thing with Moon.... one little sliver at a time. Once we can do that for ourselves, I think the sharing part pretty much happens on its own. <3

Merry ME said...

SInce I don't know what the situation is, my comment may be way off the mark. I totally agree with all the light stuff. About giving it to yourself. Maybe you needed to bend down and give a star to Little Ter.

But here's where I got stuck: "my head kept wanting to go to the anger and hurt and frustration.
i'd have to wrestle it quiet and stop it..."

You know Ter, you're never gonna NOT be angry, hurt or frustrated. That's just part of life. Now that doesn't mean you have to dwell in those places, but one really must feel those (crappy) feelings, just like feeling the joy and peace and light. I just had a vision of rocks you put in one of those tumbler things. At first they are hard, and rough and dirty. But after some time tumbling around they've burnished themselves and gotten smoother and way prettier. You can see the color, the veins, and maybe even the light inside them.

Maybe your frustration comes from trying to excise the feelings without giving them a chance to be heard. Maybe you need to give them some time to rumble around. Now I'd be the first person to say that I'm not very good with anger and hurt. I can shut down pretty fast in the face of them. I'm just saying maybe there is unseen light there that you don't have to replace. You just have to let it rise to the top like cream, or sunshine after a storm.

Love you. And sending adding my light to your star collection. Hope it helps.

terri said...

hey, you guys! so glad you're out there. mar, i totally hear you. those 'negative' emotions have a place for sure! and i'm all for letting them run their course.

my problem is i feed them. i can so feed them and dwell on them and in them. and that's the part i wrestle.

and ya see....with the can put a star on your anger and let it be there. you can do that. you're just not feeding it, ya know?

and just so you love love the idea of one going to little ter........can't believe i didn't do that!!!

off to do that right now!


Sherry said...

So feeling this moment right now...this closed off, scared, angry moment....gonna try to play in the stars now....hopefully I'll find something there too.

terri said...

thinking of you, sherry! hang in there....