light and salami

it was one of those moments that....well......sucked.
it hurt, felt lousy, hit old stuff and felt like was a pattern
that just wouldn't go away.

the walls came up fast and feelings were closed.

it wasn't long after that when i saw someone's comment on the blog
i wrote about offering light to the world. which made me think
of that whole idea - the idea of reaching in and finding your light
and offering it to the light all around.

and i saw how that's the last thing i wanted to do.
i didn't want to reach in and offer anything out.
i not only didn't want to, i felt like i couldn't.

'oh great,' i thought, 'so this isn't gonna be something you can really do,
is it?'

cause it seems like working with stuff in the harder moments really matters.

and i thought about it for a minute.
now wait a minute.
just a minute.

i know one person who really needs that light really bad right now.

me.

i really need it.
in fact, it would be total kindness if someone gave it to me right now.

i knew i could do that much at least.
and it felt important to do it.
for two reasons - one was that it felt important not to shut the light out.
that felt real important - to remember it and actually work with it.
and two - i needed some. i really needed some.

so i did.
only it was harder than i had imagined.

my head kept wanting to go to the anger and hurt and frustration.
i'd have to wrestle it quiet and stop it and try to offer some light.

i had a vague visual i was working with, but it was when i finally reached
for the stars inside me and started laying stars on myself, that i felt like i got it.

the stars! i had worked with that visual ages ago. it was totally about the
light inside of me.

all thru the nite as i tossed and turned, i'd lay a star on myself.
at one point i took this gigantic one and just pressed it over my head like
you'd do to someone with a pillow. i smiled. and decided smaller ones
were prolly better.

little bits at a time.

what stands out for me thru this, and what it is i want to offer is -
while i felt so closed and unable to offer something in a way that i ultimately
want to, i could still offer it to myself. and that was harder than i realized
it would be.

and i'm thinking that matters a ton.
and that's where we need to start anyway.

i'm not sure if my dad's 'salami technique' is what is going on - but it feels
like maybe and made me laugh when i thought of that.

he used to describe a salami and you slice it in little slices and you deal
with it little slice at a time. and he'd grin and talk about how you can tackle
anything with the salami technique.

maybe offering light is the same way.
light and salami.
who knew?