an edge

'Sooner or later, we come to the edge
of a vastness that has been there all along
and we are forced to decide if we are
visitors or if this is our home.'..........(mark nepo)


i honestly have no idea what the guy meant when he wrote that.
but for me, it hit exactly on something i am dealing with.

i feel like i've been getting closer and closer to that edge of vastness.
and yesterday i was beginning to understand where i was standing
and the decision i would have to make.

for over ten years 'seeing' has been one of the biggest things inside of
myself i have been working on. started out with just so wanting to
see myself. and yes, of course, that leads to having to see situations,
and others and life.

i thought the act of seeing was the hard part.

it hadn't occurred to me that the things i saw would buckle me over.
more than once now the seeing has knocked me to my knees so hard
that  i didn't know what i'd do.

more than once i've turned my head and covered my eyes and crumbled.
more than once i've felt like it was a struggle just to stay inside my skin.

yesterday, i stole a little time to write and figure out what was going on
inside of me and what i was going to do with it.

after writing out angst and rage and confusion, i quieted a bit.
and an understanding started to seep thru.

that maybe if what i truly wanted was to be love then i had to know the
darkness. that maybe you can't truly be love unless you understand
the absence of love. maybe there's something to that. maybe i have to
be able to watch the fires and be present to all of it.

honestly, i still don't know what i mean.
it was just a vague rumbling inside. still is.
when i got home, i grabbed mark nepo's book, 'facing the lion, being the lion'
and soaked him up.

there was so much in there that wasn't even computing in a logical way for
me last nite. but rather it was like water for a soul that needed a drink so
badly. i couldn't drink him down fast enough or long enough.

i read this and closed my eyes  and held it -

'All my life I've tried to lessen what stands between my heart and the world,
between my mind and the sky, between my eye and your eye. Never realizing
that when who we are is our skin, well, yes, we can know the inside of mystery.
We might even glimpse the face of God. But we also live like burn survivors
screaming at the air. This too is part of being awake, this being on fire always
looking for a sea.'

his 'being awake' and my 'seeing'......i think they're very very similar. and i
don't think i realized what i was asking for when i went looking.

and now i feel like i'm standing at an edge of some vastness and that truly
i am only just beginning to step into the journey.

quite a feeling to begin the week.