Saturday, September 22, 2012

more passion thinking

the passion topic keeps coming up for me. (see a few posts down)
which is great fun as i love that topic.

and the question of 'what is your passion' is not easily answered.
i get a kick out of watching people ponder it...start to answer...stop....
wrinkle their heads.......and think some more.

i remember when i first started asking and wondering for myself.
everyone told me my passion was my kids.

nah. that wasn't it.
i'd shake my head and feel like i must not be explaining myself right.

there's no question my kids are many things to me, and i'd die in an
instant to protect them. but it's different. they're not a passion.
'specially now as i learn to let go of them and learn to back off of their
lives and let them be men.

and then i remember when i first met my guy and he talked of my 'quest.'
i would just get so frustrated with that word and with him. cause i didn't like it.
i didn't like that i had something so deep inside of me that he could see and something
so strong that he called it a quest when i hadn't quite figured it out yet.

which is funny looking back on, cause a lot of our relationship is like that.
he sees things in me way before i do. and it frustrates me.

he used the word 'quest.'
i shied far away from that word and used 'passion' and spent years
trying to figure it out, when all along i was on the darn quest pursuing it.

that truly is typical terri.

i think we get thrown off thinking things like 'it's painting!' or it's 'rock climbing!'
or whatever it is we love. cause i think we have to look deeper inside that.
what is it about the painting or the rock climbing or the whatever? what is it
that's grabbed us? is it the expressing ourselves? the connecting to another power?
the losing of ourselves and finding a new energy? stuff like that??

my passion is not bone sigh arts.
altho i work way way hard at it and want it to succeed and trying to figure out
where i end and it begins doesn't seem possible.......but if god tapped me on the shoulder
and told me i needed to stop bone sigh arts, i'd stop.

but you know what i couldn't stop? is trying to figure out love and trying to step
into more of love, and trying to uncover the love inside of me, and trying to believe in
it for real and to honestly look at it.

that stuff.
that stuff i couldn't stop.

now.......we gotta be clear.......i get stopped. i get stuck. i give up. i do. but i don't
think i ever really believe it's a forever give up kinda thing. it's a frustrated, hurt,
confused kinda thing. but not forever.

and i don't have a neat little tidy phrase for it all. and i'd like one.

maybe it's this - 'to touch god.'

maybe that'd be a cool little tidy phrase.

cause i think god is that pure love inside of us that we only uncover in rare
rare rare moments. i think god is that strength we didn't know we had that comes
out in the most horrible moments where we don't think we can move......and yet
we not only move, we offer. i think god is in that sky inside us and when we fall
way way deep inside we can catch a fleeting glimpse.......

all that stuff.......i want to touch that stuff, and know i am that stuff and offer that stuff.
that's the search, the quest, the passion.

it comes out in bone sighs, it comes out with my kids, with my guy, in my struggles,
in my joys, in my solitude, in my friendships.....which is kinda awesome......cause
life turns into a vehicle for the quest.

i don't think it can really get any cooler than that.
because then i can be reminded that each moment matters.
each moment holds gold.

and all this talk about it lately in my life has me re-thinking it all.
cause yeah, i get lazy.
and sidetracked.
and bogged down.
and tired.

but then i remember.....
and i get excited all over again.

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