Monday, October 15, 2012

living and dying...

i hung up the phone and cried.
well, actually, i cried while i was on the phone.
then cried harder when i hung up.

when his weak voice said 'i'm done, terri.'
my heart turned into a bubble of sad.

and i couldn't blame him at all.
i think i might be done too if i were him.

we talked about it.
and i could so hear the beliefs that had been taken away from him.
things he had been banking on to get him thru the old age stuff
just fell to his feet.

he knew it too.
he said the wind was taken right out of his sails.

that phrase tells me so much.
i know how i feel when i use it.
and i thought of what was goin' on in his life.
and i got the magnitude of despair he was feeling.

and i kept thinking how devastating it is to lose a belief.
he lost several thru this latest part of his journey.
and he doesn't feel he can go on.

is it enough to give up?
does that work?
do we pass then and move on to the next world?

i don't know.
i'm pretty sure i've seen that happen.

i wonder if he'll get his second wind and live ten more years,
or if he's really done and will slip right on out of here.
or the worst...the giving up and the lingering and lingering.

only time will tell.

i think back to another older man i watched give up and fade away.

and i think of how much more i've already cried for this man here.
what's the difference?
why the tears over this one, and not so much the other?
i met them at the same time.
if anything, i'd guess i would shed more tears for the other.

but this man has let me in, i realized.
this man has shared his heart with me.
shared his love.
and shared stuff that wasn't love.
maybe the best description would be 'dysfunctional craziness.'
but it was part of him.
he shared him.

it's that sharing stuff that makes such a difference.

i told him thru tears that i loved him.
and to my amazement, the strongest he sounded was when he told
me he loved me as well. it came thru loud and clear.

i think of that as i sit here wondering about life and dying.

sharing out hearts.......sharing our love......
opening up as best we can.
the for real sharing.
not the stuff that looks good so we'll share........
the for real sharing.

it makes all the difference in the living. the dying.


Merry ME said...

beautifully said.
a bonesigh for sure.

Zenchick said...

I'm so sorry for your impending loss....but so in awe of you, and joyful for what you and this person have shared. there's nothing more important.
(and thanks for the reminder. I need it right now :-))

Anonymous said...

this gave me tears..
it is the love isn't it?