dinner with the sky

i slipped on my coat and my shoes and grabbed my plate of dinner
and went out on my back porch to have dinner with the evening sky.

the sun had already gone down, but there was still light out there.
it was chilly and gorgeous.

i sat there chewing and looking and thinking that maybe this was really
how i'd have to spend my dinner times after the guys moved out.
talk about awesome company!

but something wasn't quite right.

i finished up, stashed my plate and moved off of the porch.

having a roof over your head when you're looking at the sky just
seems to take something away. almost makes you feel itchy or something.

i picked a tree in the yard and went and sat with my back against it.
there wasn't much of a slope, but between the small slope where i was
sitting and my slippery jacket, i kept sliding downhill.

this entertained me for a few times.
listening to the noise of my coat against the bark,
feeling the feeling of a tiny slide....
but then i figured if i were truly going to let my soul hear the sky,
i had better move away from the tree.

i scooted forward just a a bit.

and sat there drinking in the sky.

thoughts would wander in and out.

i thought of the anniversary of her death.
a young girl. way too young to decide to die.
but who is no longer here.

still after years, i can still stop and think about it
and have it feel like yesterday. i've been trying not
to feel it so strongly. but the anniversary brings it out
in me. and i can feel it wrap around me.

i thought of being here.
how it can be so hard sometimes.
and i understand that.
but every bit of me wants to be here.

i really do.

i watched an airplane fly across the sky.
its lights shone up in the growing darkness.

i thought of how good it was to be able to sit there and watch it.
i totally loved that airplane as i watched it fly over my yard.
i so know i won't have this forever - this ability to sit here and look -
i just wanted to soak it in while i could.

i looked at the outlines of the dark inky trees against the sky.

you can't really draw a tree. i thought.
you can't grab that soul that they have.
you have to look at them and really see them.
you have to open up and feel their energy.

i started to look at all the trees and all the branches against the sky.
the feeling of the tree's energy overwhelmed me.

look at all that soul.
there was so much of it.
so many branches.
so much energy reaching up to the sky.

i couldn't get over it.
all that energy.

it's there all the time. and yet i don't notice.
but when i do look.......it's overwhelming.

it filled me so much i had to look away.

how could that be?

i thought of how i don't understand anything.
energy. life. loss.

i just don't understand life. so much about it.
so so much.

but i don't wan to miss it. even if i don't understand it.

i want to see and to look and to soak it all in.
i want to live.

i thought of her again.
and how she couldn't anymore.
she just couldn't live anymore.
and she chose to leave.

a tear ran down my cheek.

i don't understand any of it.
but i want to be part of all of it.

and lately, i feel like i have been.
it's worn me right on out.
caused floods of tears.
and yet....given me such moments of gratitude.
such feelings of wanting to live.
wanting to hold it all.

i seem to be walking right into the perfect mood for thanksgiving....