gifts

a new thought.
so new i'm not sure i'm gonna be able to articulate it.
but that never seems to stop me.

be it society, family, religion, the times....whatever.......
i seemed to have been taught to give myself to others.
to watch and read what they need, and be there giving it.
and yes, even at my own expense.

over the years i became really really good at this.
and when i struggled with it being at my own expense,
i told myself  things like 'they really need it right now, it's the loving
thing to do.' or 'i'm stronger than they are right now and can handle it.'

things like that.
even when it was bad for me, i convinced myself it was a good thing.
i got real good at those explanations to myself.

so good it was way hard to find my way to realizing that loving myself
in the deal mattered. i didn't even know it counted, let alone mattered.

then, of course, i hit a wall.
i don't think you can live like that and do that so well without hitting a wall.
or at least, i'm very grateful i couldn't.
and i realized that if i didn't take care of what i needed, i wouldn't
be able to survive in any way that i could live with.
i realized i would die inside.

it took that extreme feeling for me to wake up.

i started asking myself things like 'is this a loving thing to do for me as well?'
'what are my needs in this situation?' 'am i taking care of that little girl inside of me?'

and i started to live differently.

and i started to grow and learn who i was.

this has gone on for sometime.
and apparently it's led me deeper into realizing how i want to live my life in relation
to others.

and i realize that we are gifts.
i am a gift.
you are a gift.
we are gifts.

and that there are those in our lives who understand that and treat us as such.
they affirm us, give back to us, value us, and realize that our time together is a gift.
and we do the same for them. we are mirrors of our beauty.

then there are those who don't realize we are gifts. they expect us to be in their lives
because ________ (fill in that blank with all kindsa things).

there is resentment when we aren't what they want and don't do what they want.
our being a gift does not enter the equation of the relationship. we are there for them.
their giving back in any real form isn't something that comes into play.

i guess that's not news.
but i tell ya, it feels kinda like news to me right now.

somehow thru some recent struggles and some recent ponderings, i came to a place
where i saw i was a gift.
wow.
i saw i was a gift.
that's big news.

and i wanted to be with people who knew that. and with people i felt were gifts as well.
that's where i wanted to be.

it was more than 'wanted to be'.....it's where i HAD to be.
it felt like something i couldn't ignore anymore.

and it felt magnificent.
and it felt real.

to come all this way......from giving myself away to anyone anytime who needed anything....
to finding my value along the way...to knowing that our value matters and the giving of myself
is a gift to be valued. just as it is with everyone in my life......
and to know that i didn't have enough time on this planet to be with people who didn't
see my value or couldn't step up and offer their hearts as gifts as well. and there didn't feel like
any mean bitterness or anything mixed in there. it just felt right - that's one heck of a travel there.

i'm finding the more i find real the more i need real in my life.
and the real here is that we are gifts.
and we should be spending our time in places we know that,
where we can grow and blossom and be.

there's so much to experience.
so much to live and share and feel.

what an incredible feeling to be holdin' that and believing it, and
spending my time backing it up....

this is new for me. to consciously feel this way so strongly.
and i'm hoping it's just the beginning of some real concentration
on the gifts around me.