Wednesday, November 28, 2012

pop quiz!

so, nah, i really don't believe there's this big ol' guy in the sky watchin' me
and clappin' in delight as he pulls all the strings to make a point in my life....
but my gosh, it sure feels like that at times.

cause i swear, sometimes when i try to grasp an idea, there's a test right away.
pop quiz!

did i say i liked the idea of 'world as friend'??? (see post below)
had i really been mulling this over and deciding i wanted to concentrate on it?
did i really say that and not think that i'd be tested??

pop quiz!

and as i found myself driving, talking to myself and crying,
i really didn't feel like the world was my friend.
in fact, i felt like i totally didn't belong here.

i landed back in my house feelin' wobbly and like i just wanted to plop
down and cry somewhere. maybe just disappear for a bit.

several different things had happened and none of them felt very good.
i felt like i was a way gentle being in a world that was anything but gentle.
and i thought, the world certainly didn't feel like my friend.

what had i been thinking, i wondered??? was i really so far off with wanting
it to be something it wasn't?? i had been struggling with the darkness of the world
for a time now, maybe i was just deluding myself with this world as friend stuff.

i wondered, but kept going. i had stuff to take care of.
i headed to my studio to get a bit centered.

but in the midst of all this,
things were happening.
the world as friend truly was all around me.
even if i didn't know that at first.

there were the hugs from my sons.
real good hugs.
we love you mom hugs.

then a message on my machine from a friend who is nothing but a big ol' heart.
i smiled when i heard her voice and how she was loving me. offering her guidance.

next up on the machine was a friend i had been worried about.
hadn't talked to him in awhile.
i needed to call him back and check on him.
in checkin on him, i ended up telling him how i was feeling.
and yeah, i cried.
kind and gentle, he was right there offering me calm perspective.

then a note in my mailbox from someone i adore.
we don't email much and i was delighted to see her there.
like magic. just when i needed her.
and sure enough, she poured out words that i could hear.
words that helped me make sense of things.
more perspective.

then i started to notice.
there was love all around me.
it was hard not to see it.

and it wasn't something that was just there.
it was showing up for me.

it really felt like it was rallying around me and showing up.

there was the phone message later from a customer telling me how much love
she felt in my work. i smiled and melted.

tossing some stuff in my car, getting ready to pull out again,
my neighbor hollered over.
i hadn't talked to him in ages.
we'd seen each other and waved, but hadn't had a conversation in a long time.
and there he was was.
walking towards me.
as if he knew i could use a smile.
of course.
mixed in the madness was this magic.
and it was getting a little crazy to watch.

he asked how i was.
'well, actually,' i grinned at him, 'i've had a pretty cranky day.'
we laughed and i told him about people stealing my work and all the copyright
headaches. i didn't tell him about the other things whirling around.
figured that was enough.

he's such fun to talk to.
animated, interested, energetic, and enthusiastic.
my sons say it's great fun to watch us together as we really get goin' together.

he's had major health problems. talk about putting life in perspective.
tugging on his coat collar, i asked him how his health was.
there was real mixed in with the laughter and for just a few brief moments
i felt like we shared life together. and it felt way good.

we waved goodbye, and i headed off to be with the most amazing man in the world.

as i drove to his house i thought about it.
i looked at the sky.
the world isn't gentle.
it so isn't gentle.
and yeah, sometimes it overwhelms me.
but i did see the lesson in this.
i did.
there was magic every bit of the way today.
every bit.
even during the times i just felt like i so didn't belong.
and i just need to make sure i see that.
i need to open to that.

i needed to invite that in and embrace it.

the big guy in the sky musta been clappin' his hands in delight.

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