the sounds of living

there were so many different angles to it,
that i don't even know where to start.

the complete relief to find out it was a kidney stone.
(his, not mine - which may have also added to the relief...
it wasn't MINE!)
the complete fear before that with shaking thru the 911 call
and the ambulance ride that went on forever.
the feeling completely helpless.
the gratitude mixed in for the help.
the frustration at some of the mishaps along the way.
the 2 or 3 hours sleep and going full steam on that and feeling happy
because it was just a kidney stone.
the realizing it's not JUST a kidney stone, that that is tremendous pain,
yet still feeling happy.
the complete awe of the human body.
the internal vow to drink more water and care for my body better.

on and on......

and yet, the thing that stands out for me the most, or what's hangin'
on the most at this point is the complete mix that life is. there were
several big examples of it to me as the nite went on....
but the one that just about creamed me was the one that happened
late at nite.

we were hangin' out. waiting to be released.
it had been a looooooong evening.
we had our own little room in the ER.
you could still hear everything going on, but you had some privacy.

but that's the thing.....the hearing....without the seeing.
altho, i'm sure i'm glad i couldn't see........

the wailing started.
the man in some sort of tremendous pain/agony.
screaming and wailing it out.

it was late, i was pretty done in.
didn't have a lot of extra energy to hold it together.
and i heard him wail.
and it went right thru me.

but ya see......he wasn't the only one there.
there was a whole lotta activity goin' on.
a whole lotta activity.
it was an ER room.....

and i heard people chatting and laughing in the foreground.
with the wailing in the background.

it positively gave me the shivers.

i told myself it had to be that way.
there was so much goin' on.
the people who work here have to survive.
they have to tune out and go about their business.

in my head i totally understand that.

it's just that my insides were havin' a really really hard time with it.
with each wail i just cringed.

his wasn't the only sound like that.
there was the infant crying so hard.

an infant.
crying and crying.

i so wanted to slip out of the room and hold the baby.

and i could hear the chatting and the joking and the laughing happening
all around me. mixed in with the crying, the wailing, the fear, the pain.

this is life, i thought.
this is it.
a complete and total mix.

i'm not exactly sure how i feel about that.
but it's what's been whirling around in me ever since.

the sounds of living.
the mix that it is.
and the gratitude to be part of it.