under the bed, under the table

she called to check in.
and there i was pouring it all out.
and she asked about my inner child.
'she's gone missing' i said.

and without missing a beat, my friend said with great gusto -
'well, go get under the bed and find her!'

i laughed hard.

i am so lucky to have these wacky friends who understand the
power of things like our inner children and have no problem encouraging
me in that direction.

i knew she was right.
how long was i going to just let her 'be missing.'????

and so i stole some time, made some fancy hot chocolate that the
universe seemed to provide (yet another story)
and sat by myself to see if i could find that missing inner child of mine.

and what i found fascinated me.

for the sake of this story, we're just gonna have to go with the idea that
there were two of me. the kid, and the adult.

the kid was hiding. that was for sure and i knew it.

turns out the adult was also hiding.
and i didn't realize that until i sat down to find the kid.

oh great.
now what?

well, i figured it was just a good start to know that. and i'd leave it be
and see what i could do as i went along.

didn't have to wait too long.
as i got in my car that nite, in the dark, and started to drive, other things
also started to happen.

let's call the little one LT and the big one BT.

the first really beautiful thing that happened was they showed up for each other.
i love that.
there was a sense they needed each other, and they were there.

that's enough right there to thrill me.
that's self love and self caring.
and it was really great to see.

and then  LT blurted out - 'nothing's the way it's supposed to be.'
just like that.
she just blurted it out.

and i understood that's why she'd been hiding.

and BT started talking to her about that.
commenting on how it really wasn't. and listing some of the things that weren't
what she had thought they'd be.but then BT started saying 'but look, it's not
anything like we thought....but look at what it is. look at how it sparkles.
we can't miss that because it's different than we figured.'

and there was conversation back and forth inside me about that.
about the sadness for what wasn't. but the incredible glory of what was.

and then BT blurted out her problem - 'i'm not handling anything right.'

and it was at that moment, i understood why she had been hiding.

and LT scooted close and said 'you're showin' up, you're tryin' really hard.
that matters.'

and there was conversation about that.

there was conversation about a lot of things on that 20 minute drive.
and BT and LT came out of hiding and sat together.

and this morning, i can tell the difference.
i don't understand what any of it means.......the different parts and why it so feels
like they're there and they can talk to each other.
i don't understand any of that.

but i know it makes a difference.
and i know my day will be better because of that drive last nite.

and because my friend told me to go get under the bed and find her.