a visit with fear

i had woken up feelin' all tense and tight inside.
stuff that was agitating me was on my mind, and apparently
all inside of me as well.

fear.

i didn't want to feel that way all day.
i knew the deal.
so i did all the things that helped.

i did the treadmill thing with great enthusiasm.
i wrote things i was grateful for on slips of paper for my gratitude jar.
i teased zakk.
i ate right.
i cleaned.
i confirmed a date for that nite.

i did it all.
on purpose.
with awareness.
and it really really did help.

i find that with funks like these, there's stuff that i really do need to sit with,
and other stuff i really do need to just work my way out of
or it'll take me down to unhealthy places.

it's just a crazed swirl of negativity.

so i did the stuff that would keep me from being sucked down that drainpipe.
and felt better.

it was time to sit with the fear now.

and so i made some popcorn
and found a spot in my room on the floor where i could
look out at the sky and just think for a bit.

i munched popcorn, gazed at the sky and just sat with myself.
and then i looked over towards my shoulder.
at the bookcase that was right there.
it's full of books a friend has gifted me.
tons of books i haven't read yet.
just waiting for me to grab and look at.

i pulled one off the shelf - 'awake mind, open heart'  by cynthia kneen.

you'd think by now i'd be done being astonished by these random book
openings that i do. but i swear, sometimes it just takes my breath away.

i opened to a chapter called 'planting seeds of fearlessness'......
(yes, the word fearless has been on my brain all week, see posts below)
and so my eyes got wide once again.

she talks about fear....and sitting with it.....(which was what my popcorn
break was all about)....she talks about being with it, offering it a bowl of soup.
(bowl of popcorn?) ....she talks of exploring fear and when you do that,
you're planting seeds of fearlessness.

it was so soothing and so affirming.

i closed the book and talked to my fear.
and smiled at my fear.
and allowed my fear.
offered it some popcorn.

we had a good talk.

and you know what?
i was okay.

i was just okay.

i wasn't uncomfortable.
or anxious.
or anything.

i was just okay.

how cool is that?

i brushed some popcorn pieces back into the bowl
(apparently fear is a little messy)
smiled, and went on my way.

later that nite, as i was walking out of my guy's house,
i looked up at the sky.
i have no idea why, but his view of the sky from his driveway
always takes my breath away.

i looked up.
and there just as clear as clear were the stars.

a beautiful sky of stars.

i just stopped and looked at them.

gratitude filled me.
just washed all over me.
when i got in the car, i said out loud to myself,
'you have so much, ter. so much.'

and i meant it.