two words that have my attention...

i was on the treadmill with my blood moving thru my veins
like molasses this morning. ohmygosh. and as i was tryin'
to get that molasses flowing, i got to thinking of the words
'fearless' and 'wholehearted.'

i'm not sure what the difference is.
i didn't have my dictionary there with me on the treadmill.
but i got to thinking about how 'fearless' felt bolder to me.
and how i don't think i've ever really been fearless.
but i've definitely been wholehearted.

and maybe that's why the word 'fearless' attracts me so much.
cause i don't think i've had much contact with it.

and i don't mean the unhealthy stuff i see with people doing
stuff to show they're brave or whatever.that's ego stuff.

not that...but with things like living fearlessly. loving fearlessly.

i really may have to look these words up. cause living wholeheartedly
and loving wholeheartedly sounds good too....just a wee bit
more on the wimpy side, don't you think?

so i found myself in what coulda been a science experiment.
an experiment on what i thought at first was fearlessness,
but eventually decided must really be wholeheartedness.
and then finally came to wonder if it was both...

sometimes i set stuff up like a science experiment to see how i work.
but this time it wasn't set up deliberately. but it was so clear,
i had to notice.

i was in a prolonged state of wholeheartedness.

i think that definitely changes your chemistry.
i think i actually looked different.

and then....for whatever reasons....a door flew open inside me
and fear and doubt stepped in.

bam.
an immediate chemistry change.

the fear and doubt weren't so huge that they shut everything down.
wasn't that huge.
just enough to show themselves.
you know........just so i wouldn't forget they exist.

and i could feel how everything inside me changed.

'ohmygosh, look at this,'  i thought.
i knew it.
didn't want it.

but it was kinda like tie-dying. you are dying something awesome,
it's bold and bright and beautiful and flowing, and then without
even thinking, you add another color and immediately you know
you don't want that color. but it's too late. it's seeping in and
spreading. making everything that was bold and bright muddy.

that was my doubt and fear.
seeping in and spreading.
muddying me right up.
wasn't like i could just lift it out.

'darn. now what??' i asked myself.

i chose a forced turning away from it.
forced because it takes effort,
and i have to do it more than once.
seems it's like a magnet and i keep turning back to it.
so more than one forcing of turning away from it.
back to the wholeheartedness.

there's a certain amount of discomfort and it doesn't feel right.
but then i found my way back to where i had been.
and once there, it was easy to stay there again.

it was the trip back to it that was hard.

and maybe that part right there -
the trip back....
the turning away from the doubt and fear,
the trusting that the other direction is the way to go,
even when it feels hard and scary...
maybe in there somewhere is the fearlessness that
i'm after.

i kinda thought fearlessness was not having the fear...
being bold...
but maybe it's the power to move away from the fear?
maybe it's that strong push that moves you towards
wholehearted?? maybe that's boldness right there?

don't know.
but thinking fearlessness and wholeheartedness may
go hand in hand, and they are definitely words i want to
look into more!