ohhhh......

it was a subject i needed to mop on.
there are just certain things you need to mop with to figure out.

so i put the kitchen chairs up on the table, threw the little throw rugs in the wash,
grabbed my mop and dug in.

one thing i'm sure of - i want to be here in this world and live this life of mine.
that i know.

i WANT to be here.
i WANT to experience life.

it's just....
well....sometimes i just don't know how to live here.
i just don't know how.

how crazy is that?

but sometimes i feel really really lost on how to be here and be present and not go mad.

so i mopped.
and thought.

but this was bigger than just mopping.

it took mopping, and cleaning, and puttering, and working, and driving,
and just plain ol' mulling to finally get to where i saw something -

nothing turns out quite like i thought it would.

yeah.
that's it.

life isn't anything like i thought it was growing up. that's for sure.

and things i still thought were sposed to be certain ways, aren't.

and that's been buggin' me.
a lot.
and yet, i hadn't realized exactly what it was.

okay.
i stopped and thought about that.

yep.
i think that's been really really bothering me.

i thought of mark nepo right away.
i know he's got some fall-over awesome quote about that.
but i didn't even go look for it.
i remembered the gist - it's in the unexpected that the magic takes place.

that i remember.

so.
okay.
let me see.
yeah.
i'd say things aren't like you thought they were.
life is way different than you thought.
and things turn out way differently than you figured.

yeah.
okay.
i agree.

so what about mark's thought?

and what about the things that are awesome good - so good that you had no idea
they could be that good? those things aren't like you thought either. just different in
a really good way.

oh yeah.
can't forget those.

in fact, maybe that's where i need to look a bit.
focus on that good stuff.
the gratitude will definitely fill me up from just looking there.

and then, yeah, the not so great stuff too.
that too......

and then of course, the heartbreaking stuff.
that too...

if i had been able to write life how i thought it would be, it certainly would
have been different. and yeah....i think a whole lot more clean.

easier.
yeah.
i think easier.

grin.

definitely easier.

but there'd be so many chances/opportunities/places to explore that would be lost.

that's the kicker.

and i know that.
i do know that.

it's just that i completely and totally forget that sometimes.

just realizing what was bugging me helped.
helped a lot.

then remembering mark's angle......well, that's gonna be good.
cause i wanna hold that for awhile.

life's nothing like i thought it was.
better in a whole lotta ways.
harder in a heck of a whole lotta ways.

and maybe that's something to be grateful for.

whatever the deal, i feel a relief in realizing this.
and feel able to face that and work with it.

whew.
what would i do without my mop?!