a couple of ponderings

i can go all over the place with the stuff in my life.
be strong, steady and confident - or flip into self doubt, lost, and scared.
oh yeah.

that's me and my life.
it can be any topic.
doesn't really matter.
i'll flip around over and over.

this time in some of my flipping, i pondered a few things.

here's the top two ponderings that caught my attention.

because the habit book is fresh in my mind,
the whole concept of habits are rollin around inside of me.
the author had mentioned that even our emotions can be habits.
i haven't gotten far enough into the book yet to understand anything
about that....but the idea has me intrigued.

so when i was in the shower feeling scared about some stuff
i wondered - is that a habit? is that just what i do?

i mean, let's face it.....whatever's goin' on is goin' on no matter what
my attitude is. my fear isn't gonna change it.
well, it'll make it feel worse. so why not go with something else?
is it just a habit to feel fear?
what does that even mean?
does that mean there's a certain loop i do and if i become aware of
it i can change the response?
and if i can, do i want to?
do i like reacting with fear?
why do i choose fear?

don't have any answers for ya.

just ponderings.

the next ponder i had came to me as i was having a drink of water at
my kitchen sink looking out at my back yard.

i love my back yard.
i love being out in it. i love looking at it.
i love walking across it thinking 'this is my back yard.'

as i sipped and looked i thought - 'if someone had told you that this
is where you'd be after ten years, would you still have chosen the things
you've chosen?'

there wasn't a moment of hesitation.
not even a tiny tiny moment.
yes.
yes.
yes.
there wasn't a smidgen of doubt in me.

i smiled.
just knowing that did something for me.
i've been holding on to it since.
and smiling about it.
how come?
maybe cause it was a way for me to see that i really was okay.

figured i'd throw my ponderings out for anyone else who wanted to ponder with me.
i think there's something about just stepping back and looking at the challenges from
a distance that really helps. i feel infinitely better already.