real feel

the whole 'real feel' thing with the weather got me thinking.

to be honest, it drives me nuts.
it's hot, leave me alone.
don't tell me it's gonna feel like 200 degrees today.
don't tell me when it's cold that i'm gonna feel even colder.
just don't do it.
but then i got to thinking about it and playing with it....
what if we used 'real feel' all thru life?!
i mean....it IS incredibly descriptive.
i've been having some fun with it on facebook and decided to bring it over
to a blog series i hope to keep slipping in here now and again....called....what else???
'real feel'

and what better topic to begin with than the one that keeps popping up all around me -

self love.

ahhhh self love. we're all sposed to have self love. you can't love another until you
love yourself. nodding and smiling, of course i love myself.

real feel???  -----   what self?!

it's not an easy journey figuring out who you are.
and all of a sudden your 'sposed to love yourself.
what if you don't even KNOW yourself?!

i remember being in my early twenties walking into a bookstore to buy myself
a book. a book that i would enjoy just for myself. a treat.

i stopped in the middle of the store, unsure of what section to turn into
and begin that delicious task of finding the perfect book.
standing there, breathing in the smell of the books, with a blank look on my face,
i had no idea which way to go.

no, it wasn't because there were so many different subjects that fascinated me.
it was because i had absolutely no idea of what it was that *i* liked.
the books i had been reading after my nancy drew days were pretty much books
i thought my father would want me to read. if dad liked it, then i'd read it.

i actually read to please someone else.
yes, i did.
i did a whole lotta things to please someone else.
and um....your father isn't exactly the best role model choice for books if
you're a 21 year ol' gal.

i was stunned at how stuck i was.

so....being newly married, i figured it was time to find myself and my likes.

ahem.
yeah.
well.....
kinda.
sorta.
okay not really.

my new husband and i thought it would be a lovely idea to read the same book at the same time.
we'd get two copies, we'd each read and talk about the books together.
awww....how nice, huh? a perfect relationship enhancing  kinda thing to do.

thing was....i didn't know any good books cause i hadn't picked any myself.
i didn't read too much fiction, (my dad didn't read ANY fiction)
and since that was the direction we had decided on....i felt lost.
and so........
ah yes........you heard it coming - HE picked the books.
because he knew.

(insert dope slap here.)(or gentle compassionate hug.)
(actually, let's go for the hug...)

and go figure....i didn't like the books.

and yes, it gets worse.

when i didn't like them (and i can't remember liking a single one!) i figured, since he
knew of these, and had read lots of them, and they were his favorites, or his favorite
authors, that i just wasn't smart enough to 'get' them. or i wasn't enlightened enough
to really understand.

something was wrong with me, i figured.

i went there quite often -
the something must be wrong with me place.

so i kept trying.
over and over again.
book after book.

it's hard for me to believe this really did happen, let alone type this out for you to read,
but it did most certainly happen.
and over and over again i lost myself, gave myself away, didn't believe in myself,
didn't trust myself, and certainly wasn't swimming in the sea of self love.

how could i be?
i didn't know who i was.

i have been talking and thinking a LOT about self love lately.
it's been a lotta years since those days, and i know myself much much deeper now,
i have made choices that have cost me dearly based on what i know...and have gained
more than i could have ever imagined by acknowledging who it is that i am.

i swim in the sea of self love a bit....okay....maybe more in the pond of self love.
i WANT to swim in the sea....but you gotta start somewhere, don't ya?
and maybe the first step is starting to listen to the whisperings inside of you,
believing that you're just as good as everyone else, and that your tastes are your own
and they don't make you any better or worse than anyone else - they make you you.

start where you're at,
offer yourself compassion as often as you can,
forgive yourself when you don't, and know that your heart, no matter what you've
been thru or what you've been told is your most precious treasure, and the best
thing you can ever do for yourself is to learn to hold it as the treasure that it is.