something weird happened to me.
for various reasons, it's been a pretty stinky couple of months.
it's gotten better, but there's been something almost like a low grade fever in me.
just this heavy dullness that won't go away.
a few things were starting that were lifting the fever.
i was feelin' better....but still not quite myself.
and then....i had this moment.
this moment that caught me totally off guard, stunned me,
and yeah, even hurt me.
but it did something else......
here's a visual...
picture terri standing there and then WHALLLHOOOOP!!!
a huge linebacker rams me in the gut and pushes me across the football field.
can you see it???
terri bent in half feet flying, linebacker pushing, and then BOOMP.
right down in a new spot.
a whole new spot.
and get this.......
i haven't felt this good in months!
maybe a chiropractor cracking your back would be another good example....
there's that loud crack and then ahhhhhhhhh...........
i asked myself several times 'how can you feel this good???'
it certainly was better than i had felt in ages.
i have no idea.
except that i really needed to move outta the spot i was in,
and i think i got shoved out of it.
how cool is that?!
i usually get shoved into ditches or pits.
this is a welcome change!
i'm wondering if maybe thru a series of events that has taken place over these
few stinky months, i'm starting to understand something on a way deeper level.
and i'm starting to understand what it means to be human on a deeper level.
maybe this is the spot i just got shoved into.
maybe i just got dunked in a big lake of self compassion.
i saw my flaws, my weak spots, and i understood that because of them i couldn't
give myself something i was looking for. and i understood that's not because i'm
not a good enough terri, it's because i'm very much human. and that's the way it works.
that the truth is, no one, including myself can give me this particular thing.
i'm not sure i ever came to that conclusion on much of anything before.
i think i always fell back on the idea that everything i need is within me.
that kinda thing.
and i still believe that - mostly.
but....i think there's a limit because i'm human.
or not an enlightened human.
and that's a new thought.
and the weird thing is i don't feel frustrated or less than.
i'm not sure if i feel disappointed or not.
i haven't gotten that far.
but i do know this........i haven't felt this good in months.
and i feel like it's because i got shoved into a place where i needed to
see myself and be honest about what i was seeing.
and for some reason, that felt really good.
i realize this opens up volumes on what's really a need and what's just a desire...
all that kinda stuff.......
maybe everything we need really IS inside us.
maybe the stuff that honestly can't be given isn't really a need.
maybe we just think it is.
and maybe that's part of the puzzle.
there could be a lotta freedom in that.
i haven't a clue.
i just know i got shoved really hard,
and landed in a lake of self compassion and self acceptance
and maybe a little more acceptance of how the world spins.