a new desk

it was the absolute highlight of the weekend for me -
we found a big ol' industrial metal desk at this kinda thrift store/flea market kinda place.

for......are you ready???
twenty bucks!
oh yes!
twenty bucks!

WHAT a thrill!

for you see, i am moving my office into zakk's old room when he leaves.
and i thought i was going to have to build a desk with wood i have in my shed.
and the whole thought of trying to figure out what to do for drawers was getting me down.

i was mentioning the drawer situation to my guy as we browsed around.
and then not five minutes later he pointed to this desk.
wow was i ever glad i mentioned it.
i woulda walked right by the thing - i was looking for drawers, not a desk!
(that in itself holds something profound to ponder...)

so, okay....it's huge, it's heavy, and it's perfect.
well.....almost.
it's um......ugly.

so i immediately start thinking about how i'd paint it.
all the time my guy is as tickled as i am because it's a big ol' sturdy metal desk
and he thinks it's awesome just the way it is.

so i consult with him, and i consult with my sons.
what would you do to fix it up?
and they've got their very neat guy answers.
and my guy was so tickled at this whole deal that he really had it
all figured out exactly what he'd do if it was his - he'd clean it and leave it
just the color it was.

ugh.
the thought of living with that color made me cringe.

but i gotta tell ya....it was my guy who suggested painting stars on it!
and i couldn't believe i hadn't thought of that!

so, you see, while they had their ideas, that's all they were. for them.
my guy knew that we were different and painting stars on it would be good for me.

but there was something inside of me.
and i don't exactly know what it was -
but i wanted to do it 'right.'
and by 'right' i meant what would make them proud of how i fixed it up.
something that would make them like it too.
something that made me fit better??? (i'm honestly not sure)

no kidding.
but i didn't really know that.
i just knew i wanted to do it 'right.'

so i tried.

i cleaned it.
and it looked a lot better cleaned up.
hmmmm i wondered....maybe it'd be okay just like this.
maybe this color would be nice after all.

i seriously thought that.

such a big part of me was trying so hard to do it the way i 'should.'

but then i knew......nahhhh....i just can't.

and so i opted for the spray painting route that my guy had suggested.
a smooth even finish he had said.

and oh my gosh - i tried. i really really tried.
i sanded it first like the guys told me to,
and i tried to spray paint with responsibility -
light layers, even strokes.

i painted the whole stinkin' desk. multiple coats.
trying.
trying.
trying.

and ohhhhhhhhh i just couldn't stand it.
it made me crazy.
i needed to PAINT it.
to stroke on the paint, to feel it, to be part of it.
to glob it, to drip it, to just paint it.

and then i realized - i was just not listening to myself.
i was trying to hard to be something i wasn't.
i knew just what i wanted to do.
i wanted to play!

but then i hesitated again.
it was going into zakk's room.
his room was painted in colors i never would have picked,
but colors i liked a lot. it was conservative. stately almost.
and i thought that'd be cool to have a stately office.
i was gonna leave it those colors  when i moved in.

i needed to think about that before i painted my desk anymore.

i walked by his room.
stopped.
looked in.

who am i kidding?
i just cannot be in these colors all day.
i'm totally gonna have to repaint.

i was loose now.
i was out of the box.
i could stop pretending.

stately conservative didn't fit me.
let's face it.
i laughed.
cause it'd be nice to be stately conservative.
it seemed like it would be nice.
but let's face it.
i'm not.
and spray paint wasn't gonna cut it.

and so i grabbed my paint......and i played.

i started with the back that no one would see.
i painted it cherry red.
i could feel the joy coming up.
oh my gosh, that felt good.
oh i love this color.
maybe i'll paint the whole thing this color.

no.
no.
no.
i really do like the idea of blue with stars on it....
and so i decided to just do the sides and back red.
and do the front and top blue.

and within 3 minutes of painting, my entire being was filled with delight.
just filled with delight.

it's all still a work in progress. but there's been some tossing of paint to make
dribbles and drops, there's been some painting of stars, there's even a little window
painted on the side that looks like it's a window for the fairies to see the sky...

and when i talked to my guy that afternoon and told him the whole story and how
i really really did try to do it 'right' - he laughed and was happy for me and said he
can't wait to see it.

there was absolutely never any pressure on his end to do it any particular way.
at all.

so.
where did that come from?
why did i try to box myself in like that?
what is that about?
and how interesting it's ME who's doing that to me.
that was all me. no one else.

i'm kinda surprised at myself.
thought i had left this stuff way behind me.
apparently not all of it.

how absolutely wonderful to see it come up,
and to have gotten by it!
now....i want to think about why it was there in the first place!

and then....a friend sent me the message from the universe today.
those are daily emails some guy does and makes them like the universe is
talking to you....(you can find them at tut.com)

i couldn't believe it.
first of all, she rarely sends them.
she had no idea about the desk.
and here it is -

No more "supposed tos," OK, Terri? You're not supposed to work harder, look better, sleep less, sell more, run faster, talk slower, be happier, stay longer, leave earlier, cook, clean, negotiate, settle, start, stop, move, try, win, shake, rattle or roll. Other people made all that up. I love you the way you are,     The Universe

Oh, you can do any or all of the above, Terri, you so can, but you're not "supposed to."

.........

thinking maybe the universe really was talking to me......