the story of....

yesterday's quote of the day was 'her white tree'


“a tree of life.
a tree of knowledge.
a tree of soul.
a tree of goodness.
a tree of her.
it was her core.
burnt.
scarred.
hacked.
cut.
chopped
and carved in.
it was still there.
it was still there!
pushing the ashes out of the way,
making room for sunlight
and water -
she nurtured it back to fullness,
she nurtured it back to life.
and she and her tree
held the sky and its moon
and together, they danced
and together, they grew.”

i wanted to post the story behind it to continue in 'the story of' series.
but i knew that i had written about this when it first happened.
so i dug that up and added just a tiny bit here and there as some of it
wouldn't make sense unless you were in my head! i think i was kinda confusing
the first time around. i was so consumed with it, it was hard to imagine you
wouldn't know what i was talking about and i just poured it out.
i'll try to edit a bit here.

so this is an edited version of a blog i posted on february 24, 2011.

makin room for sunlight

we decided to grab a quick tea at panera before
we got goin' for the day. we put our heads together
on what business we needed to do and how we're gonna
approach it all. these tea breaks are a great start to productive days.
the caffeine helps too.
we egg each other on and then we go hit our days.

so there i sat with noah and zakk.
when noah turns to me and says 'you know, you haven't
really filled us in on what's been goin' on inside you the last few days.'

i smiled.
'thought i'd spare you a bit' i said.

zakk chimed in that they'd like to hear.
i looked at him.
he's a good egg.

gave them the reader's digest version.
which included this.....

'the way i can best describe what's going on inside me,
is i had this 'visual' thing i saw....i saw this in my mind -
i walked up to a door and opened it
and it opened to the outdoors - the door led right outside.
and there was this whole field with trees and nature, and
what looked like a burnt down building.
a completely charred, burnt building or something.
it was gone.
demolished.
black bits left.
and i felt like that was my core.
i had some sense before that it was there, but i hadn't seen it.
i felt like i saw it for the first time ever after somehow knowing about it.
it's one thing to know about something. it's a whole different thing to see it.'

'and somehow that's at my base - the core of who i am -
and i gotta do something with that.'

the guys are great. they're used to conversations like this.
which tickles me to no end.

as i tried to explain generally, briefly, where i thought it
came from, i told them i didn't know how to start rebuilding it.
i was lost on that part. i had thought about it, but couldn't figure out
what would be the building materials or how i'd get them.

noah looked at me so serious and countered the visual.
saying that it seemed more like the things that hurt me in the past would
be things that would create a building around me. it would be a building that
was built up that i had to knock down. that this really didn't fit for him
and he was wondering about it.

i nodded in total agreement.
'for ten years that's where i've been operating from.' i said.
'but something's different. that wasn't right. i don't get
it, but i know now that's not right.'

and then.....in trying to make some sense of it to him,
i made sense of it to me.

this is what finally surfaced from the thoughts i offered him -

it's like we're all born with these gorgeous trees in our
subconscious realm. we all have these gorgeous big strong white
trees that are majestic and just reach to the heavens. they're us.
they're the symbol for us.

we all have that tree.

and it's like my tree (and prolly most people's trees) has been
hacked, burned, demolished.

it's like i can just see this black stuff there on the ground.
some stubble sticking up. black. charred.

i sat there telling him this -
and suddenly......everything changed.

i kinda sat there and my breath was taken away.

it was a tree.
not a building.
it had life in it.
it wasn't an inanimate object.

i didn't have to find the cement and the bricks and
the beams.

sun and rain and warmth and nurturing would make it grow again.
sure, it wouldn't be that majestic big white tree to begin with.
but it could grow back into that.

i would have help.
the help of nature. of the universe.
i wouldn't have to build it.
not all alone.
i would just have to nurture it.
water it.
make sure it got sunlight.
let the wind blow over it.
pay attention to how it's doing and care for it.
tend it.
but not manufacture it.
it's there already.
i don't have to manufacture it.

i can't tell you what a relief that was when i figured that out.

and i could feel this whole excitement build inside of me.

i've been lost on how to do this on my own.
and i don't have to.

i just have to tend it.

i am so moved by this.
i need to come up with a daily ritual of tending it.
i really think i do.

can't you just see it?
the big huge gorgeous white tree that is you?
it's in all of us.
burnt, charred, hacked, sawed, carved....
it's still there.

the first thing i'm doin' today is pushin' all the black
gunk off of it. making room for sunlight.

that's the first thing i'm doin.......