the wrestling match

i told my partner about the parable thing in the post below.
the wrestling with some sort of spirit and putting a face and voice to it all.
(see post below)
i told him i needed to figure that out,
that i was wrestling big time and needed to know who/what it was.

he didn't miss a beat and told me he knew who it was and what it was all about.
'oh gosh, tell me!' i said eagerly.

which of course backed him up as he didn't want to be giving me HIS answers.

but then he told me.
i hit him, told him he had it all wrong.
(these are the great dynamics between us)
and then proceeded to tell him what i had been thinking.

'it's the same thing' he replied.
i scrunched my face as i didn't see it.

but as we talked, i could get what he was saying.
he was just taking it from a bit of a different angle.
but yeah, it was the same thing.
and his angle added to my angle, giving me a bigger picture.

and by the end of the conversation, i got the face and voice of what i'm
wrestling with.

and i'm thinking it's a no brainer.
it's really what we're all wrestling with, i would guess.

it's me.
my face.
my voice.

here's the scoop -
i grew up with all the messages and baggage we all grow up with.
the hurts and feedback that leaves those scars and takes certain beliefs
we have and changes them to self doubt and shame.

all that stuff is in me as it is in all of us i think.
i've gotten good at getting strong and healthy, but there's still streams
of this stuff way down deep.

i got married young, had kids young, concentrated on everything but me,
and took that past stuff and let it drive many things about me. lots of times
without me even knowing. lived with shame way down deep, didn't do things
because of that, have given more control than i ever really want to admit
to these negative voices inside of me.

it's quiet now.
my time.
and those things that somehow took shape from whatever negative experiences,
are here for me to see now. for me to really look at now.

and i don't want 'em anymore.
but i don't know how to get rid of 'em.
so we're wrestling big time.
thing is........they're not a 'them'......it's not other people anymore.
oh sure, other people gave me these ideas, cemented them inside of me.
but it's ME that's choosing to keep all that around.
it really isn't anybody but me anymore.

and here i am - in a wrestling match with me.
which is pretty awesome cool........