she deserved better

i thought of her with such deep sadness.
she deserved better, i thought.
and then instantly, i thought of someone else i could say the same thing about.
and then another.
and then another.

and then i leaned back.

woe.

i needed to go rake and think.

i guess this is really a common common thing, i thought as i gathered the leaves.
so many deserve better than what they got/get.
in a thousand different ways, in a thousand different scenarios.

well then -
it's got to be up to us to change that.
for ourselves.

obviously, relying on others doesn't always work.
that's kinda the problem in the first place.

i thought of my own life and how different it is now.

i don't think i changed it because i thought i deserved better.
i think that realization came later.

i think i changed it cause i knew i didn't want what i had.
i knew i didn't have a healthy kinda love. and i knew i wasn't seen.
i was just filling a role for people.
and i just didn't want that anymore.

but it wasn't that i thought i'd go find better.
i just figured that i'd do better with nothing rather than something fake.

i was willing to lose it all to have some real in my life.
even if it was just me and my real and nothing else.

and in opening that space, i changed my entire life for the better.
i didn't just find a healthy love that grows me in ways i couldn't imagine -
my whole life opened up and i found 'better.'

i didn't go consciously looking for 'better' -
i went consciously looking for honest and healthy.
i guess you can't help but find better if you start looking for those things.

it's up to us.
and it's there for us to build on and grow.

it. is. up. to. us.

and it's an ongoing thing.
it's not something you get and then you stop.
it's something you gotta keep workin' at.

that's what i came up with as i raked.
and yeah, she deserved way way better.
and yet, she never claimed it.

and i wonder if she ever knew what she deserved.....