honoring on the path....

it was a special anniversary.
one i wanted to be all alone for.
it was the anniversary of buying my house back when i got divorced,
and owning my first ever home all by myself.

i wanted to take that moment to also celebrate
-again, all by myself -
my making it thru -
my raising my boys.

i had celebrated with the guys some time back,
but i needed something quiet, just for me.
something i could really sit with.

i had planned a fire out in my back yard.
and i spose if i was a real spunky kinda gal,
i wouldn't have let the weather stop me.

but i decided to go with plan b.
my living room -
candles, fire with my pellet stove, and my lit christmas tree.

i turned off all the lights and let those be what lit the room.

turned out to be a wonderful option.

i sat and remembered.
and remembered.
and remembered.

and remembered some more.

i realized how big the losses were.
i didn't stop and wallow in them.
i just thought of them,
acknowledged them.
realized i had lost a tremendous amount.......
and yet......had gained more than i could have imagined,
and would do it all over again, losses and all.

i marveled at some of the things i had been thru.
and some of the grace i had found.
and smiled when i thought of what a gritty path it was to find that grace.

i went outside and looked at my house all lit up in lights,
and just about cried right there on my front lawn.
one of the most beautiful sights i ever saw.

i came back in and snuggled back down.

and realized i had done something really good -

i had left a life that wasn't healthy,
to work on creating one that is.

yeah, i still have a ways to go.
i guess a lifetime to go.
but i'm headin' in the right direction, and i know it.

i thought of a bone sigh i had written when i first started out.
and i remembered something someone had told me once about
my bone sighs -

she said i seemed to live my way into them.

i smiled and whispered the quote out loud -

what she lost wasn't healthy,
what she gained was.

i'm living my way into that.
and hopefully i'll be living my way into that for the rest of my life.

and last nite, i took some time to sit with that, acknowledge it,
and honor it.