turning back around

oh gosh.
how is it things take so long to settle in and become clear?
i guess i should be thankful that they do finally become clear,
and not dwell on the fact that i feel like a thick headed moron it takes so long.

so okay,
something happened to me a little while ago.
it hurt in a deep deep way.
in a way that closed a door inside me.

i knew that and was okay with the door closing.
i figured it needed to.

but what i didn't know....and yet had some vague sense of -
was that something inside me was really close to dying.
a belief of mine.
a belief that helps to keep my spirit alive.

it finally came to light.
and i saw what was happening.
and at first i was thinking 'okay. fine. die. maybe that's the way it has to be.
just let it all die.'

man.
that's a sucky spot to be in.

seriously?
OKAY DIE?!

seriously???
who stepped inside me and took over???

thank god i have a friend who kinda stepped back and said in
a disturbed voice 'that doesn't sound like you at all.'

hmmmmmmmmmm..........

of course my snotty wall popped up.
i hate it when people tell me i don't sound like myself.
what do they know?
how do they know?

and then of course, i understood they were totally right.

so i stopped to think about it.

what would it be like if i rebelled against the whole thing inside me dying concept??
what if i told whatever it was that was killing me to go die instead, and leave me alone!!

hmmmmmmmm.........

and suddenly i understood that life is choices.
and if i choose to let a belief inside of me die that is something i want to believe in,
if i let something inside me that is so important to me die,
then i have no one but me to blame for the certain death of my spirit later down the road.

whether my spirit sings or sobs,
soars or sinks,
dances or dies,
is up to me.

thanking god i was reminded of that today.
and taking one heck of a deep breath and turning back around.