Sunday, March 9, 2014

embracing me and my life...

i find it fascinating the way our inner processes work
and what gives them room to do their thing.

i have been puttering on the inside of my house.
a lot.
it's almost an addiction lately.

i've changed art around. painted my front door,
touched up paint here and there, put up a few shelves,
am off to cut a few more today...
on and on.
oh - but the best???
i put TWO door knockers on my front door.
one up high for adults.
one low for kids.
in special honor of the inner child inside of me.

i clapped and clapped and clapped over that one!

i have been enjoying it immensely.
it's good to do the things that need doing.
that always feels good.
it's good to take care of what you got.
that always feels good.
and then....
there's something else.......

as i move something over here,
and then change it over there...
getting it just right...
i can feel inside of me when it's just right.
when it works just perfectly for me.

and in that process,
something happened inside of me.

i think it's that feeling of 'it's just right' happening over and over again -
the tuning in to what works for me and no one else...

for the first time EVER i'm completely comfortable with my surroundings.
i have made them totally mine.
and it's one huge mish-mash of home-made or thrift store or make-dos.
and i LIKE that.

i realized i like that.

i've always done that because of finances.
and so i always assumed that 'when it gets better' i'd change it all,
buy new things, have things match, have good quality.

suddenly, none of that matters any more.
and because that little tiny bit of weight that i carried around forever
is gone, i can notice it was there. and i really hadn't realized before.

but there's a freedom now that feels brand new.

it's a getting comfortable with both who i am and where i am.
they are completely tied together.

there's no 'if i was more successful, my house would be nicer.'

or no waiting for things to change or no thinking something needs
to be better than it is.

it's completely -'hey! this is my place! and it feels awesome!'

i don't know how to put it into words.
but i sense a whole shift of acceptance of myself and my life
in a way i'm not sure i ever had before.

it's beyond acceptance -
it's an embracing that feels so darn good.

and maybe that's what this crazy winter has given me......

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