moving forward

i was having a neurotic moment.
i knew it.
so i thought it thru a bit.
tried to think logical, be logical, feel logical.
but it was neurotic moment.
so that didn't really work.

after realizing sitting with it could take me
spinning down a spiral i didn't feel like travelin,
i decided to turn my energy elsewhere.
i ended up having a great exercise session.
those feelings can fuel some movement for sure!

afterwards i didn't feel the need to dwell on the moment.
altho i could feel the self doubts inside of me.

later that day i was in the car with two of my sons.
i mentioned the moment.
told them i knew i was being neurotic but would
appreciate it if they'd ignore that and talk to me about it.

and they did.
they didn't blow me off.
they actually answered with thoughtfulness and kindness.
and some of the stuff they said really helped.
and it jolted other things inside of me that helped as well.

today i can see that sometimes when i don't like how things
have gone in life, i want to blame myself.
it's hard to believe that's 'easier' - cause it certainly doesn't
feel easy. it feels awful.
but i guess it's easier sometimes than just really holding that
the world is as it is sometimes.and people are as they are sometimes.

sometimes things really hurt.
and sometimes those things really aren't our fault.
i can't say i have the self doubts and neurotic feelings today.
that's gone away.
i just have that wishing things were different sometimes feeling.

and i know what to do with that.
i can work with that one all by myself.
i look at all that i do have.
and all the incredible beauty that has come thru a whole lotta gunk.
and i remember there's a mix to the world i'll never understand,
but that even tho it can make me sad and neurotic at times,
it can also make me really truly grateful.

so that's where i'll focus on this incredible spring day.