a perspective change

i have a bone sigh i mention a fair amount -
'strength lies in the opening of the heart.'

i mention it here and there because i find it one of the hardest sentences to live.
it's one short sentence, and i'm figurin' i'll spend my whole life workin' on it.

today i'm kinda smooshing the ideas of 'opening' and 'softening' together -
i'm pretty sure you can't be open without being soft, nor soft without being open.

but 'softening' was the word that came to me first this morning.
when i thought about how hard life can be sometimes.
and how it's such a challenge to soften.

it was easy to have that thought as i was watching someone else.
i could see her job would be to soften.
and i could see how hard it would be.
but you know, it wasn't mine i was holding. i was watching.
so that's not so difficult.

and then, because life seems to like to play this way -

within an hour, i found myself hurt and closing.
closing and hardening.

i guess i was still kinda soft because i cried.
but my heart wasn't soft.
my feelings were, i guess.
but my heart was closed.

i did the initial things -
i got defiant,
then i cried,
then i told myself it was no big deal and to focus on other things.
then i reminded myself that this wasn't about me and to let it go.
all the while closing my heart and hardening towards these people who hurt me.

i busied myself.
but you know, it was still in me.
and then i remembered that bone sigh.
and i remembered thinking about 'softening' this morning.

this is it, isn't it?
this is the time to soften.
this is the time to understand, to offer compassion in every direction,
and to soften.

THESE are the moments to open to.

and so i sat down and i thought about it.
and i could see all the layers of pain and sadness that brought this hurt about today.
there are so many layers and layers and layers that bring us to where we are and
create how we act and react.

and i could see the people who hurt me affected by their own layers.
i could see how sad some of that was.

and i could see the beauty of actually accepting that and loving them and the situation anyway.

no, not in the way that you go back for more of their company or hurt,
but in the way that you stop being defiant and hurt, and you think of them with compassion,
and wrap everyone in light...and somehow you know it's okay.

these are the moments.

i cried.
and i thought how it wasn't a bad thing that happened.
it was a gorgeous moment handed to me to use and to work with.
and to remind me -
that if i want that strength i'm looking for,
this is one stepping stone along the way.

talk about a perspective change.
my heart totally softened.
and the world opened up again.