Wednesday, June 25, 2014

cleaning my glasses

hurt and fear.

maybe i'm sposed to embrace them and love them.
but today i'm thinking about how much they suck.

or maybe it's not those emotions themselves that suck.
but what i do with them.

i've been thinking a lot about this 'seeing' stuff.
how we stop seeing others.
and why.
and what that does.

i got hit with realizing how i was doing the not seeing thing because of hurt and fear.
and it was kinda cool how it happened.

i saw someone i know say something incredibly stupid.
i did.
and this someone prides himself on how smart he is.
it's a big part of his identity.
has no trouble telling you about his intellect.
and yet, there he was, being really stupid.

so i had this thought.
and yeah.....i'm not all sweetness and light all the time.
cause i actually said with great vigor to myself -
'how could someone so smart be so darn stupid?!'

and then, because i know that i'm no better in my own way -
i immediately flipped it on me and said -
'how could someone so intuitive be so blind?'
cause i knew if they could be that opposite in one of their strengths,
i could be equally as opposite in one of mine.

i flipped that on me, and held it.
and i really held it.
and i knew it was true.

and i knew right now i was in the middle of being blind.

because of......

you guessed it........hurt and fear.

i saw all the stuff we read about in the books -
how i closed up to protect and did all the things i do when in fear/hurt mode.
but what i really really saw was how that stopped me from seeing someone.
i became so focused on my own hurt and fear,
i became blind to theirs.
i saw them a little bit.
but mostly.

and i think about how well i do that when i'm in some kinda threatened space.

and i think about how much i really really really really want to see what's goin' on
and see the people around me.

what i saw was how much hurt i add to the pot by my being blind.

and i see that if i choose to not be blind,
i have to give up some comfort stuff inside of me.
some unhealthy, but incredibly habitually not really comforting but disguising
itself that way stuff.

and i honestly believe nothing is more important to me right now than to not be blind.

and so.....i'm putting down the unhealthy stuff that's a habit for me.
at least for this moment.
and i'm puttin' on my glasses and lookin'.
and the funny thing is?
the first thing i see is the need for compassion all the way around.
and a little laughter.....


diane in ar said...

so good ter, so good - you help us remember we're all human and in spite of that we can always be better, be more compassionate. . .thank you. . .

terri st. cloud said...

thanks, diane....