thinking

i've been doin' a lotta thinking today.

i was pretty bummed when i realized a decision i made a few days ago
made me lose something that mattered a lot to me.

in the long run, it's all fine, and there's no great harm done.
it's not a big dramatic thing.
but in the short run, it's a big disappointment to me.

and i cried.
a lot.

enough that i knew there was more to it than just the disappointment that i was feeling.
there was something else goin' on with all these tears.

and i realized that i was really upset with myself for giving something away that really
mattered to me.

i thought i was beyond that.
i lived a lifetime of that kinda thing.
and i thought i had stopped.

ahem.
apparently not completely.

so i thought about it.
and while i'm not thrilled with what i did,
i am grateful for what i can see.

i have mostly stopped giving myself away.
but i gotta tell ya, it's never with an easy feeling that i say no or don't do something
that someone wants. there's always a fair amount of not good feeling inside of me.
because i don't want to hurt someone or make someone think something i'm not intending.

so i struggle with it, even tho i know it's the right thing to do i'll still feel bad for possibly
having hurt someone.

but now......
i think i'm gonna be able to go back to this example and remember next time i need
to make a choice when i deep down know which choice is right but feel a lot of pressure.
i want to remember this and trust myself.
and i want to remember that this feeling of giving something that matters away
is worse than feelin' like you might let someone down by doin' what you really want to do.

and i want to remember that if my intentions are not understood,that's not entirely
on my shoulders. everyone involved has to see and hear each other.
it's my job to state clearly what i need and want.
it's not  my job to try to make everyone happy.
and that i don't have to prove that i care about people.
i have to make the best decisions i can for my own self.
and know that in the end, that matters all across the board.

i want to remember that.
and i'm thinking at least for a good long time, this thing today will help me do that.