a birthday toast

it's my son's birthday today.
and i've been really holding it close to my heart.
started last nite.
remembering.
all that stuff that moms remember.
and the birth stuff you can never forget.
i felt it so strongly i was amazed.
i could almost smell the new born smells again.

while i don't want to do it all over again,
there is an ache there.
i'm not sure for what -
maybe just wanting to touch those times here and there,
maybe for just wanting to have everything all at once,
maybe just for the complete and total gratitude for having it at all.

i keep thinking about the journey we had together.
and how we both grew up.

i posted a picture on facebook of the two of us.
it so caught what i'm feeling today.
i want to post it here too,
but i'm trying to respect the rights of my family.
i think sometimes they all find it hard to have a writer in their midst.
and so i will just keep it where i posted it and leave it at that.

but the feel that i got from the picture,
and i guess maybe it's because it's me looking at it right now
and i'm filled with this feeling -
was one of the journey ahead.

i looked at the both of us and how young we both were.
and how much there was ahead of us to learn.
both of us.
usually i just see the kid that way, ya know?
but today, more than any other son's birthday that i can remember,
i'm holding that young mom in my heart as well.

who knew where life would bring us...
where we would bring life...
and on and on it goes.
and how lucky we are for that.
too fast most times, but so precious all times.

i feel like it's in front of my face today -
the journey, the gift, the love.

how cool to hold all that and honor such a special day.
toastin' my son!
toastin' life!