walkin' away from the wrestling match......

i have been thinking a lot about showing myself, allowing myself to be seen,
actually being seen, not being seen.......all of that........for about a month now.

i'm not sure how much it matters to hide.
grinnin' here........
people mostly don't see you anyway!

you don't have to hide!

but i guess that's the hard part......when you try to show yourself and you
don't feel seen.

that brings out all those issues deep inside.

so lately i've added this to the mix of thoughts -

people are coming from their own place
and that's what's filtering what they're seeing.
for real.
for real.
for real.
for real.

and i swear, when i look back on every incident this past month
where i felt not seen, i see the other person's stuff mixed all over that.

how on earth do we ever get more than glimpses of each other?!

because you know darn well it works both ways.

what we're seeing is filtered by our own stuff.

today, for this moment, i am convinced more than ever to just be myself
and try my hardest to see with as clear filters as i can muster.
and if who i am isn't workin' for someone else,
today, for this moment, i'm really okay with that.

i need to concentrate on being me,
being as healthy as i can,
and making my actions as healthy as i can.

which isn't hiding.
and it isn't bein' someone i'm not.

i feel like i spent a month wrestling with this
and i'm done right now.
i want to just go be me.